[ it took painfully long, for the elements to align and the moon eclipse to finally approach. hua cheng can't say he didn't appreciate his time as a cat; he's aware that he got close to xie lian more quickly than his human form would've allowed, not to mention he was indulged in ways he would've otherwise only imagined.
but he's glad he can finally feel his power creeping in, tingling pleasantly under his skin like electricity. this form means he'll be stronger, he'll manage to defend xie lian even better, until he's completely oblivious to the risks and threats around him because hua cheng has obliterated them. he will also be able to infuse more luck into him, whether he needs it or not.
hua cheng can't deny though, there are selfish reasons too. he wants xie lian to look at him, the real him. he wants to answer him when his name is called. he wants to touch him and hold him in his arms and... ah-- hua cheng can't help picturing all sorts of affection. it's taboo between master and servant bound by the kind of contract they share. and yet he's greedy, to the point that he sometimes influences xie lian's dreams until his blurry outline appears in them, cuddling the older to his chest and kissing the top of his head. he doubts xie lian remembers those dreams, because he never mentions them.
hua cheng stirs from his curled position on top of the covers and stretches deep, yawning as even his pointy ears press against the top of his head. he feels power expanding at every inch of the moon that's cast in shadow. the moment the pale surface is swallowed by darkness, hua cheng turns.
endlessly long, inky black hair pools on the blanket and slips down from the edge of the bed; fair, lean limbs stretch, long and strong legs, a chiseled abdomen and a wide back; his thin lips curl into a taunting smile, while mismatched eyes shine of their own light. hua cheng is naked and he tangles his legs in the topmost cover so his modesty will be hidden by it, without him getting into physical contact with his master.
languidly laying on his side, his gaze is enamoured, as he presses his elbow on the pillow and leans his face against the heel of his hand. the red string xie lian tied to his paw is still there, around his middle finger, and so is the collar around his neck. his free hand cards through xie lian's smooth hair as the moon frees itself from the cage of shadow, flooding the room in pale light. hua cheng is so excited that his power near crackles under his skin.
he feels a deep shiver when he accidentally grazes the other's ear and he doesn't know if it's the intensity of his attraction, or their bond shivering in pleasure at how they're connected even more deeply now. ]
( xie lian still doesn't actually realize what he's done, that rather than taking in an ordinary stray (one others would have shunned religiously due to basic superstitions), the black cat — xiao hua — is in fact his familiar. to say nothing of xie lian's lineage of magic users and what he "should" have done or had. in fact, he tries to adamantly not to think about it sometimes that he has a hard time remembering the details, even if it wasn't all that long ago.
this is a small town. a general store. a flower shop. a grocer. xie lian had wandered here...when? a little after he first saw xiao hua, but before he took him in. it's a much smaller place than the massive city he was born in, but somehow over the moons, he's become more at home here than he's felt in quite a while. xiao hua helped with that. and though he's "just a cat", there's nothing "just" or "only" about another living being, about a part of your life that makes you smile or feel strangely comforted even if you do not particularly feel you deserve it.
what a simple and bone deep kindness it has been in xie lian's life these days and nights, to curl up with xiao hua who lets him do such silly things as tie a red string around his paw and tell him nonsense secrets that are almost, almost wishes: "xiao hua. look. now, no matter what, i can find you." then xie lian had blushed under that odd blue light of the moon before eclipse, laughed at himself and murmured, "well, as long as you want to..." and like that he'd fallen asleep, one pale hand curled against xiao hua's soft belly.
the magic in xie lian's family has had strong witches before, but xie lian had left even those in the dust. welcomed into another coven known as "immortals", xie lian had left his own blood at 17, only to return when he had word of things falling apart. he hadn't been able to help them and indeed is the reason for the deaths of many. even in modern times, a villain is a villain and a poison is a poison. one drinks water. one burns witches — those who aren't useful anyway, those damned by fortune. so on. so forth.
around xie lian's wrist and ankle: a shackle. if one catches a glimpse, it is easy to write them off as poor decisions of youth, tattoos after one too many drinks (not true, as xie lian's magic cultivation roots in abstinence from such things). his magic is, these days, quite limited and his luck hysterically bad. but the story no one knows other than xie lian himself is that he asked for these. but would it ever be enough to make up for...?
such is the contortion of xie lian's nightmares, moments of painful enclosure or fire and smoke, or a white strip of fabric innocuous to anyone else, the self-same one that lives in waking life wrapped around xie lian's wrist (usually.) since inviting xiao hua in, he has noticed the nightmares are less, but perhaps the eclipse strengthens more than one thing. those nightmares recede though in tandem with "xiao hua" becoming himself, becoming hua cheng even as xie lian still remains entangled in sleep — sleep that does not appear troubled at all, because xie lian taught himself years ago to not make a fuss, awake or not. still, it might be more obvious in his spirit, how it settles in alignment with hua cheng settling into his proper form, like a deep breath taken after too long of being deprived.
it also wakes xie lian up.
he blinks, eyes heavy, woken in the midst of things, and instinctively spreads his fingers, pushes his palm forward to search blearily for xiao hua...
...???
....??!!?!?
what he touches is not the soft silky black fur of xiao hua but something firm, and warm and...and...? as xie lian's vision finally focuses he decides must not be awake after all, follows the too handsome man's face down his bare chest ???? to his stomach where ---
xie lian snatches his hand back buries his face in his hands, then remembers how that hand was touching a second ago and unburies his face, scrambling backwards and utterly forgetting how perfect sized though this bed has been for him and a small black cat...well...
he feels his balance go off kilter and both arms flail wildly even as he shoots another confused, but very very awake look at...
[ there's the flick of a finger and xie lian stills mid-air, floats and doesn't fall, as hua cheng smiles warmly, a hint of amusement in the light of his eyes at witnessing the other's cute reaction. he frowns softly just a beat later, though, while he reaches out, large hands gripping xie lian's upper arms with unexpected gentleness and he pulls him on the bed again, terribly close to him. to be fair, he could've made the bed bigger with the same movement of his finger, but that would've meant no excuse to stick to his master and hua cheng is too mischievous for that. ]
Gege, don't forget the bed is barely big enough for us. [ he reminds him gently, the shadow of a tease in his tone. he knows perfectly why panic ensued and xie lian moved away so abruptly, but he treats it as if the other did it just because of sleepiness.
with the frames of two young men, the single bed is terribly small, to the point that hua cheng hooks one of his long legs against the other's, blanket shielding them from physical contact. his hands have been lingering around his elbows, chests facing one another to the point they almost graze at each inhale. xie lian is warm from embarrassment and hua cheng basks in the way that spreads his scent all around him, envelops him. that's one of the things he's loved, of sharing such closeness with xie lian all this time: being drenched in his scent, belonging to him so intimately without the other even realizing. ]
Did you have a nightmare again? [ he wonders if xie lian ever has dreams that aren't bad at all. not even his breathing changes, his self-control so deeply-rooted, yet he can feel the shifts in his magic while he sleeps, the spikes it reaches when he feels threatened.
hua cheng takes his hand and brings it to his face, leaning his cheek into his palm and smiling at him sweetly. his behaviour is so terribly similar to that affectionate black cat, xie lian is bound to notice it. he presses his lips to the heel of his hand. ] Gege, I've always been here by your side. Don't you recognize me? [ his eye smile is just like the way xiao hua narrowed his eyes in happiness and affection upon looking at him, his red eye not menacing at all.
he leads his hand to the top of his head, drags it to stroke his hair, just like xie lian always stroked his fur. ] I want gege to always find me. [ he mutters, voice low and nearly sultry, replying to the words he told him when he gifted him that red thread. ]
( it feels like there is a lot of time in which xie lian can barely respond, the more he becomes awake the more familiar this person becomes and yet he has never met such a person. he would remember this face. an unintelligible sound escapes him as he feels that leg hook, but he does not pull away, eyes widening at the question. how did he know? the minimal magic xie lian has would only necessarily be discernible by two, maybe three people, and, if he had one, a familiar. not that he needs one. he has been perfectly content with xiao hua —
— . . .
don't you recognize me?
details come into focus. the color of the eyes. the red string. the collar. even the way that face leans into his hand.
!?
it can't be.
and yet, when xie lian reaches out to feel for that familiar magic that had always gently surrounded xiao hua, it's as good as confirmation, despite it being so much stronger, overwhelming even, all but radiating off of the person holding him. his own heart is out of control, and the hand not held to the other's face is still pressed to his own face, sort of covering it sort of not, fingers splayed. magic signatures are what non magic users might equate to unique as fingerprints. there are no two just alike, no matter the origins.
xie lian's mind goes in circles until he can't remember what he was asked first, and out of habit he shakes his head. nightmares...it doesn't matter. it's fine.
ah. )
...Xiao Hua?
( he refrains from commenting that the bed was perfectly big enough just moments ago, even the slight shift of his body causing them to touch so he goes still. but when he breathes in, it's xiao hua but not. it's...like his magic, much stronger, the shape a little different, as if xie lian had been exposed to only the outermost ring of something secret and personal. his scent is both the same and different too, and it makes xie lian's head spin, floods his sense of smell and taste. he was already warm, flushed pink in all the telltale places, and that doesn't show any signs of changing any time soon, xie lian having a moment of insanity in which he almost leans forward to bury his face against a very human neck the way he would have also done with xiao hua...er xiao hua the cat. he stops himself beforehand, but it doesn't do much to curtail his inner embarrassment.
whenever xie lian would change, he noticed xiao hua would disappear into another room or hide his face. he would laugh and talk to him and tell him it's okay, not sincerely thinking it was a matter of modesty. xiao hua walked around without clothes every day after all! a point xie lian made to him affectionately off and on. now...
ahhhh....
the internal screaming might take a while.
xie lian's sleep clothes are akin to a sleeping hanfu, plain and white. simple. strangely he feels very at home in this ensemble, if one could call it that. though when he goes out to collect scraps from the local shops or forage in the nearby forests, he dresses much more subtly. with all his scrambling and almost falling, the robe has come loose, threatening to skew off of one shoulder but xie lian is so caught up in xiao hua — was it the eclipse?! will he change back?! ahhh....— he doesn't notice it at all. )
[ hua cheng laughs, warm and low and rumbling, not unlike the purrs he made when he was in his cat form, and his smile stretches across white teeth, canines a little sharper, much like the cat's own. ] I am your Xiao Hua, yes. [ he confirms him softly, holding that hand between his own, thumbs caressing across knuckles, as the tips of his fingers touch down to that shackle around his wrist, protective. ]
Did gege like my other form better? I can change back. [ he offers, upon seeing him so lost and feeling the embarrassment that burns his insides, as much as his cheeks. hua cheng's thumb rubs against xie lian's middle finger and a red thread just like his own appears, tied neatly into a ribbon. ] So I will never lose gege either. [ his eyes narrow happily, unexpected softness over such sharp, cold features.
his gaze brushes against the other's pretty face and slides down the elegant column of his neck, following the milky white skin to his nearly bare shoulder. he wants to kiss it, he wants to bite it. he can picture all too well how the mark of his teeth would look across it and his power bubbles up, excited. he could cover him in marks, hickeys imbued with magic, so that nobody ever dares getting close to him, sensing that he belongs to hua cheng and they would burn were they to lay a finger on him.
he's gathered power for centuries, greedy and hungry for it just so he could accumulate enough to protect xie lian effectively. he's always been his familiar, even when they weren't together; always acted for his sake, even if the other didn't know.
now the planets have aligned, the sacrifices have been offered and the spells have been chanted; a shadow was cast on the moon and hua cheng is nearly born anew, all his efforts leading to this one moment.
he reaches out to gently tuck his bangs behind his ear, black nails careful not to graze against his skin, and then his pads brush down along the shell of it and wander to his shoulder. he resists the temptation, unsure whether his lust spilled already in the other's mind, and he fixes the fabric. ]
My appearance may have changed but I will serve you just like I've done so far, master. I am yours all the same. [ how naturally he speaks such words, the way he looks at xie lian giving him away, like the older hung the stars in the sky, his one and only sun. ] I hope I have not scared you. [ his eyelashes flutter and he looks down, as if ashamed of such a thing. ]
No! ( the answer bubbles out of him reflexively. and then, waving his free hand almost comically back and forth, ) No, I mean yes? I mean, ( flushed, he takes a breath, exhales, ) I like...they are both good? Um.
( he's as eager to reassure him as he is to make sense of the flood of heat coursing through him, making him dizzy. the feverish warmth in his cheeks seems everywhere now, and he shivers with each touch, unconsciously leaning into it. the word "master" is a bit sobering though, in that it confuses him, and xie lian raises his head as the other lowers his gaze. he blinks, dumbfounded, then reaches out one hand -- the one without the string, which stays in the other's hold -- to pet at his face and then scratch behind his ear before catching himself! he's still treating him like a cat! his fingers freeze there and self conscious sheepish laughter trickles up again as xie lian...
starts to babble. )
Ah ha...well. I sorry what? "Master"? You don't have to call me that...um. And I'm not scared, really I'm not! I was just surprised. Xiao Hua is welcome in any form he likes. I, you know, it's...and maybe I'll open the window. It is sort of warm, isn't it?
( and xie lian has just pulled away, one leg off the bed before he stops again, looking over his shoulder, )
...or is Xiao Hua cold? You don't have fur anymore...
( he sort of knows he sounds ridiculous but he's overwhelmed. the heat from before hasn't rescinded. it tingles along his every nerve and indeed makes xie lian lose his balance now. some of it is his magic responding to the near full fledged form of the being he has not yet understood is his familiar. some of it is "xiao hua"'s feelings. and some of it is xie lian's feelings. it's just that he's never actually had those before, not in this way at least. even as he tries to remember the foundational spells he was meant to use to practice and grow his magic, spells of purity and abstinence, but none of them come. )
[ xie lian panics and hua cheng's smile stretches along his full lips, teasing and sweet at the same time. he can tell he's overwhelmed, but he finds him so incredibly endearing he can't help himself.
he hums with his deep voice, leaning into the touch to his face and sighing pleased at the scratching behind his ear, clearly still liking what he did when he was a cat. he purses his lips in a childidh pout when xie lian suddenly retreats his hand. it's obvious he doesn't mind still being doted on the way it happened when he was just a pet.
the older's laugh is so cute, he admires him with adoration dripping from his gaze, no attempt to hide it.
hua cheng looks displeased when the other scoots away and almost shifts off the bed, but his gaze lights up with mischief when he stops and looks back.
hua cheng shuffles from his position, forgetting about the blankets and his nakedness as he settles behind xie lian. arms wrap around his waist, sturdy chest presses against his back and a cascade of inky locks spills onto the older's shoulders as the familiar tucks his face in the side of the other's neck. he shamelessly breathes him in, deep. he loves his scent, he loves having it all over himself. it was easier when he was smaller, just a cat, but he can make it happen now too. ]
I'm so cold, gege. Don't leave. [ he indeed is cold, but it's his own condition, he can hardly grow warm at all. there were many things he sacrificed for power and the characteristics of a human are among those. ]
Gege, can't we cuddle like we used to? [ his voice resembles entirely a purr, while his nose rubs into the other's neck. ] I want to be close to you.
( there's a startled sound as he's pulled into his arms, freezing at first as he feels what he already knew — his state of undress —, only to be genuinely distracted by both his words and the truth of them. )
You're...very cold. Xiao Hua....Xiao Hua...are you okay?
( the abrupt panic from being flustered becomes panic from worry, the squeeze of xie lian's heart undoubtedly felt through the connection he still has not fully understood nor recognized. blindly he reaches back with a hand, tripping through the long soft black hair until he can pet him, however awkwardly. with his other hand he soothes along his arm back and forth as he might have along the whole of his cat form's back. )
Mm...that...um. Well.
( nerves dance in the borderline laugh of xie lian's voice, still confused, but then finding composure, not able to use magic so much anymore due to the shackles on his ankle and neck, but not everything is bound to his magic. there's a separation between that and his qi, which is part of what has endured him this far. still petting as much as he can, he relaxes, and there it is again: a near overwhelming flood of warmth and power. his heart beats a little faster, and though he's as warm as a small sun right now, xie lian shivers. he can feel it, this magic or magic adjacent thing right down to the tips of his fingers. not his.
but...?
the curious white strip of fabric that has been with him so long now unfurls itself to fly around and investigate xiao hua's new form, leery but also drawn. and xie lian gently chides, )
( the first moon cycle met familiar and master with some trial and error: finding out how far (not very) they could be from each other at any given moment, learning as that distance increased as xie lian adjusted to their awakened bond and the fluxes of magic not his own. in this time, xie lian did manage to acquire clothes that actually fit hua cheng, simple robes in a red that suited him, the black edging a natural accent that fit with his hair. "ah it suits san lang so well!" xie lian had said, hands smoothing the fabric at his shoulders briefly before peering up at him, beaming. and then he'd felt his face flush and he'd looked away, making one last neatening adjustment before stepping back.
throughout it all, xie lian has continued his normal daily life: going around collecting discards from the local and also neighboring towns' people, everything from scrap paper (for spells or even recipes) to wood or too old fruit or vegetables. once or twice, especially at the time closer to hua cheng's awakening, the sick feeling was enormous and even though xie lian didn't show it outwardly, he was reminded each time that hua cheng knew anyway; that's how their bond works, after all.
in a new moon cycle, some of the growing pains of their bond have already smoothed out, and although they can be farther apart without discomfort or even pain, they are most often together. xie lian understands that hua cheng prefers it this way, given both his role and his feelings, and if xie lian lets himself be selfish he can admit it silently to himself: he prefers it too, even if he also does not want to trouble him.
aside from collecting others' trash or discards, xie lian has been slowly taking odd jobs. they sometimes pay in small amounts of money or food or other goods, and xie lian isn't picky. even with his magic sealed and his fortune dispelled, he is yet a magic user. it is a permanent aspect of his make, body and heart. ruoye helped before, and now hua cheng helps a great deal. where xie lian's qi is not enough, he finds himself even more grateful for these two.
but sometimes he thinks it would be better if he had taken a request alone.
today is one of those times.
the request had been to take care of what the local townspeople thought of as a haunting, and they weren't exactly wrong. ghosts, low level but still trouble especially for non magic users, but released in waves that were too specific to be random. for xie lian, having never met the rumored night touring green lantern, he does not even now realize he knows very well who this is. indeed he had not known of him at all until recently. but none of that really registers as xie lian's footfalls come to the briefest pause. the system of caverns used to be mined for some kind of ore and other resources. the walls glow incandescent in a way that might be beautiful if there weren't so much blood staining many surfaces.
at the center, where someone once sat or perhaps still sits sometimes, a statue sits with its wrists bound behind its back.
ascended magic users are as close as this world might come to something like gods, capable of more than ordinary mortals but not inhuman, still living, though in xie lian's case unable to die. a fact he does not actively think about unless pushed to it. but their magic is read as a kind of guiding pillar at its height. it is only natural when such a person is branded and banished, that the misfortune that fell on those who flocked to his image, would then blame him for that misfortune. once regarded as a "prince" among magic users, flower crowned, known for walking barefoot everywhere and people would say that flowers bloomed under his steps, a path paradise bound.
building statues to funnel their disappointment, their hate, their bad luck, anything of ill, into, was an act of desperation.
xie lian doesn't blame them.
but he doesn't want hua cheng to see it.
the second his eyes recognize the stone figure ahead, he grabs hua cheng's sleeve to forcibly swing him around. it's not subtle, and he's not trying to be. even now, as much as xie lian wants to redirect them, he doesn't invoke what he could with hua cheng: the obedience of a familiar to its master. he has no interest in such a thing when instead he could have hua cheng's trust and love given of his own accord. but the hand curled in hua cheng's sleeve trembles slightly as he tugs, smiling only about half as he peers up at him, trying to pull him at the same time. )
[ Xie Lian would never resort to commands, but Hua Cheng knows that this is the closest thing to it that's ever happened ever since his transformation. Xie Lian doesn't want them to be here, their connection flooding his familiar with something akin to panic. What did his master lay eyes on, or perceive, that it made him behave like this? Hua Cheng digs in his beautiful hazel eyes and he finds sorrow in it, embarrassment. Paired with the way he's smiling like it hurts and his hand is slightly shaking, Hua Cheng worries so much that his whole chest tightens around the feeling.
It's that panic that tinges his blood, together with that bone-deep concern that make him act like he would've never done otherwise. Recognizing this as a sort of order, Hua Cheng doesn't defy it. Instead, he prods their bond, investigating it in a way that makes him navigate upstream, towards Xie Lian. He reaches the edge of his thoughts and, impudent and bordering blasphemous, Hua Cheng pries into his mind, into that part that Xie Lian is trying so hard to hide. He can only do that because his master is a completely open book —which, in turn, makes him feel even more unbecoming.
But there, in the confused images of his mind, there's what Xie Lian laid his eyes on. All it takes is a blurry outline and Hua Cheng recognizes it. How could he not? He isn't subtle in how he reacts, eyes growing wide.
He has to confirm it for himself, the monstrosity, the blasphemy and so he turns around at once. It is really... it is indeed... the statue of the god of misfortune. ] How can it be.... [ He mumbles, dumbfounded for a moment. He'd put strenuous effort: he thought he'd destroyed all of them.
But it's here, in front of him. Kneeling and bound. The holy soles of his master and his perfect, delicate toes resembling petals, turned into nothing more than an insult. His head bowing like he ought to bow to anything at all in this filthy world, when it's always been the other way around.
It's a moment, a mere moment and his aura slips out of his control, like tendrils of ink that reach out of him. Their bond is flooded by his rage, blind and ruthless, like a wildfire searing everything on its way.
His red eye looks like it's glowing. ] They deserve to die. They all deserve to die. [ His voice is razor sharp, chilling especially for the one who's connected to him and can feel what a bottomless pit that anger is.
Hua Cheng had done his best back then, at first he'd tried to protect every shrine and statue he could, but what could a stray cat do. He'd wished for all those fake believers to burn alive in the same flames they used to destroy the temples of his master. And then he'd wished for far worse, as those kneeling statues started to be made. Skinning them... tearing them... no, no, it wasn't enough.
Hua Cheng fails to realize it: he's gone. The caves are starting to shake, the earthquake starting from the familiar's feet. The blood on the walls hums, called by his power and it pries away from the stones, coalescing into drops that crawl on the ground in thin streams, beckoned by the beast dressed in the same shade of red. ]
( for a moment it nearly brings xie lian to his knees, the deluge of something furious and cold and fathomless. his vision dots. even so, the hand that curled in hua cheng's sleeve only lets go in order to instead reach up to rest a gentle open palm over his chest. though hua cheng has no heartbeat of his own, he resonates with xie lian's own, and this the once adored "god" among magic users taps into now, breathing slow and even, his voice as calm and kind and quiet as can be, )
San Lang. San Lang.
It isn't a big deal. San Lang —
( despite the very caves shaking, xie lian remains even keeled, only a tinge of desperation in him because he worries for hua cheng's own safety. taking a step closer, so they are nearly flush, he raises both hands to either side of hua cheng's face, stroking his thumbs outward across his cheeks in soothing back and forth lines while also exerting a touch of force, just enough to angle hua cheng's head so that he is at least adjusted to look at xie lian even if he doesn't actually do so. )
— I don't mind it. I'm just sorry that you had to see...
( the smile does not completely fall away but the draw of xie lian's eyebrows is self punishing at best. one of his hands smooths back from hua cheng's face to curl behind one ear, not scratching but cradling. as though he is the size of his xiao hua form and not considerably bigger. )
I have not had followers or believers, in a long time. The same can be said for my...
( what does one call them? he isn't sure and trails off, sheepish..., clearing his throat as he continues a bit hurriedly as the caves shake more violently. the smell of the blood is dizzying not because xie lian isn't used to it — he is perhaps too used to it rather — but because of the feeling coming from hua cheng happening at the same time, twofold inside and out. )
San Lang...look.
( the way he touches his hand a little more firmly to hua cheng's cheek is almost the same as a kiss before he steps further into the cave, pieces of it falling now. but xie lian is not afraid. he can be harmed but not killed, and there is a purpose to his movements. he pauses only at the statue looking at it with a strange expression he himself could not even identify before reaching out one pale hand. it trembles still but is impossible to see with how the caverns quake, and when his fingertips touch the crown of his own statue, the fissures are immediate, lines of white light before it shatters.
dust to dust.
his chest hurts. he doesn't know why. how unusual. he wonders why. ah.
this is hua cheng, he realizes, and half blindly steps forward through the falling rubble, sending what he hopes is another wave of calm, of reassurance: it's alright. it really is. don't worry.
the past is the past, and the truth is much of what people blamed him for was not wrong. he knows without saying so though, that hua cheng will neither agree nor want to hear that, so he keeps it to himself as much as he can. it isn't perfect. part of hua cheng will always know part of xie lian, and the reverse is also true, no matter if they try to protect each other from themselves at any given point. but he can make it cloudy, a nebulous sense of something almost too fogged over to be identified for what it is: i failed them, and i accept the consequences of that. a thing he would not have said many, many years ago, a thing he rose against at great cost, hurt and childish and desperate.
it feels like a lifetime ago.
around them, the blood in the walls seeping through the floor is thick, stains their shoes and the edges of xie lian's plain white robe, but seems only like an added shadow on the red that dons hua cheng's form. )
[ Hua Cheng is in a complete daze, more a beast than a man right now. He perceives what's around him. He can still feel pleasure and belonging when he's touched by Xie Lian, but when his eyes lay on him, it's like Hua Cheng isn't there anymore. As if this body of his has turned into a cage and Hua Cheng is trapped deep inside, somewhere, experiencing once again the acute pain of getting burnt as he tries to douse the flames in one of Xie Lian's temples, being trapped behind the black bars of helplessness.
He looks at Xie Lian and doesn't understand where they are or what the other is saying to him anymore. ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I tried, but I wasn't strong enough. I let you down. I couldn't protect you. [ His expression is deeply pained as he looks at his master, eyebrows furrowed deeply, eyes both monstruous and deeply human with how overflowing with sorrow they are. He is apologizing to Xie Lian like he did often in his dreams, plagued by guilt as nothing of the cult of him remained, as those blasphemous statues were made instead.
He starts shaking his head, more and more frantic every moment that passes. ] You shouldn't have had to see that... if only I'd had more power, you wouldn't have. [ If only he'd managed to destroy all those monstrosities before Xie Lian had to set eyes on them, if only he'd managed to save him some heartache.
The blood that's crawled at their feet dances as drops in the air, reaching Hua Cheng's long fingers, staining his fingertips, before it drops again when the familiar's attention is caught by the way his face is touched so firmly and Xie Lian steps back. Their bond reassures him it's just temporary and so he simply observes him, like one looks at a mirage, in awe and confused at once, not quite in touch with reality.
Then his gaze shifts to the statue. It's barely a moment and that familiar outline cracks and disappears into a pile of dust. Hua Cheng makes the pained noise of a wounded animal, his chest constricting, the knowledge that anything that has the looks of his master has to be destroyed bringing him pain no matter what.
That's when he starts waking up, blinking more rapidly, noises getting into his ears again, the quaking, the way his power is expanding like the shadows of an eclipse. Hua Cheng tries making a step and his knees give in entirely. He finds himself kneeling on the ground not unlike the statue did before. He touches his face, stained fingers drawing lines on his cheeks like bloodied tears, before he wipes his hands on his garment.
The quaking stills at once and the tendrils of his power grow much thinner and paler, only reaching for Xie Lian, in a desperate call for him to get closer again. ]
Dianxia... [ He calls, raspy and strained, and he stretches his arms out, forlorn. He needs to embrace and be embraced. He needs to hold him tight and be reassured that he's still here, no matter Hua Cheng's endless failures at keeping him safe. ] It is not true you haven't had believers in a long time... You have me.
I'm your most devoted believer and I always will be, till the end of time. [ Articulating words nearly pains him, as he breathes with difficulty, his power struggling within him with his feelings, wrestling with anger and desperation that want to push it out again, want to destroy everything around him. He's fighting harshly to regain some composure, it must be embarrassingly clear through their connection, most likely. But shame will be for another time: right now, he needs to pull himself together again. ]
( the crescents of hua cheng's memories are anachronistic burns and hurts that xie lian briefly feels and then doesn't. the blades of his apologies are similar, except that they hook into the present while touching the past. yet for strange moments, xie lian finds himself rooted to the ground. it is a bizarre sort of punishment, or so it feels, though he knows not from what greater power or less. sometimes it is one's own perceived shortcomings and losses that create such a thing though, and he knows this intimately. it hurts to know that it can also be said for hua cheng, and xie lian does not accept that just because he is his familiar that he should have had to suffer so. to him, hua cheng, xiao hua, san lang. one being. he has done nothing wrong. or rather, the wrongs in xie lian's life were committed by his own self, and he has been saved enough times to believe the injuries that come to him whether in statues of misfortune or false deaths to preserve a young witch's morals and hopes, are deserved.
something in hua cheng's words feels like shattering. everything in hua cheng feels hurt, dangerous, and close to beyond control.
xie lian moves to kneel in front of him, gently reaching for his hands, making both of them bloody in the process. he draws them close to him, against his own chest where his heart beats, and then he leans his forehead against hua cheng's, if he lets him. )
San Lang. ( a beat. ) Xiao Hua. ( a beat. ) Hua Cheng. ( a heartbeat. )
Thank you for believing in me.
( then he lifts his head so he can press a kiss between hua cheng's eyes, and there he stays, his voice no longer carrying words but a quiet, soothing sound: he no longer remembers the words, that is. but the song's blood and bones remain: a lullaby that was also the very first spell he learned perhaps far too young and without theory or practice to fully understand. yet the spell had changed its shape for xie lian, rewoven itself from the tapered spellcasting fingers of his mother incandescent with stardust and then muted and colorless with sacrifice, into the peach blossom shroud of her son. the core of xie lian's magic, as well as his qi, has always all ways been his heart. and though there have been times when he might have changed its make, the reality is: he didn't.
even if it were at the last second, the once flower crowned enchanter adored by all, then a rumored white storm that cried and broke the sun in turns, would regret unleashing a curse on innocents. to this day, xie lian regrets. and sometimes, he mourns. that dream that wasn't a dream who saved him and all the people he would have irreversibly harmed otherwise.
when he breathes, it's incomprehensibly deep and slow: please be okay.
not a command, not a bewitching.
the request of a one who was once like a god, uttered in wordless song to his most devoted believer.
please.
won't you stay?
not that, after hua cheng's words, he thinks he would go by choice. but the scars upon hua cheng's soul are unmistakable and fearsome. a lesser individual would have ceased to be a long, long time ago. parts of him feel like a child. parts of him feel like a ghost. parts of him feel like xie lian will never be able to apologize enough or love him enough.
but he would like to try.
xie lian's song drapes across hua cheng's body as much as his soul in heartlines of gold and coral red and innocent white, a glittering of intertwine that adores him, that make a feeling like a home.
and home means many things.
not the least of which: i would like to keep you safe, if you would let me.
at the edges of xie lian's consciousness, the fugue state of his spellcasting and his song, he reaches to touch the tendrils of hua cheng's magic, a deeply intimate thing that has him gasping softly, his head falling to hua cheng's shoulder. he hopes he hasn't trespassed, but he wants to connect with him, to let him know: you have never failed me.
as his voice trails off, xie lian releases hua cheng's hands as gently as if they were glass, only to slip his arms around his middle. )
[ Hua Cheng allows the closeness with the desperate need of a drowning man for oxygen. He exhales shakily when his hands are taken and he makes a small, rough noise in the back of his throat when he feels the other's heartbeat under his palms. He sighs deeply, as if through that contact, his heart had learnt to beat anew.
All those names belong on Xie Lian's tongue, but the last one will always bring an irresistible want with it, no matter how many days it's been since he regained his powers and how they've gotten more used to this. The call of his name brings pleasure where there only was pain, a barren land suddenly growing grass.
Thank you for allowing me to make you my everything, is what echoes in his mind in reply to the other's words, but nothing comes out of his mouth. He sighs shakily and closes his eyes at the tender kiss, afraid to interrupt the humming even just with his blinking. Some remote corner of his soul recognizes this melody, maybe it was shared with him when he was still a kitten and Xie Lian fed him.
The other's voice beckons so much power that Hua Cheng's whole being gets entangled with Xie Lian's presence. Xie Lian is in each inhale and exhale, at the tips of his fingers and of each lock of hair, he balances himself on Hua Cheng's eyelashes and snuggles in the curves of the shells of his ears. Xie Lian is everywhere, woven with his soul, and Hua Cheng has never felt more at peace. He is healed, seen, accepted. He nearly whines, a noise that reminds more of Xiao Hua.
Xie Lian is home; it's always been the truth. The familiar was forced away from home for a very long time, but now finally he's back there. To stay, once and for all. I'll stay always, if that is what you wish too.
He gives a soft, pleading noise when his master suddenly traces Hua Cheng's magic with his power; it's a noise of pleasure, albeit surprised. One of his hands dips in his hair, cards through it, his palm cradling the back of his head to coax him to tilt it up. His lips land on Xie Lian's forehead, on the bridge of his nose, on his cheekbones, worshipping. Together with his physical affection, his power intertwines with Xie Lian's, like fingers slotting together.
Hua Cheng kisses his mouth with a soft sigh of relief. His magic is still boiling harshly in his body and accessing it would mean allowing it to overflow and explode. So the familiar instead pours it inside of Xie Lian this way, keeping the kiss barely there, since he fears the maddening feeling of need under his skin. As much as his power escaping his control, his lust may as well too. ]
Gege... that should be enough to teleport us home... I apologize, we'll have to finish the job another time... [ They're so interconnected that, with Hua Cheng this shaken, Xie Lian wouldn't be able to do much. He's not unlike a sick child now, risking to infect the other and also needing care. Were malevolent ghosts to sneak upon them now, it would be disastrous. ]
( his voice manages a steadiness he does not entirely feel, senses muddled and sharpened all at once with hua cheng. given the state he is in, xie lian wastes no time in using the magic that his familiar feeds to him, and even though he is very much out of practice with magic in this way, it comes back to him naturally as breathing: the sort of almost invisible spellcasting indicative of someone so powerful once it truly did seem there was a god among men, even other magic users. as they disappear from the caverns, xie lian feels an abrupt violent presence at his back, saturated in ire, but it's there then gone.
then they are back at xie lian's home, makeshift shop in progress, somehow a place locals have called "puqi shrine" even though it is hardly a place of worship so much as an odds and ends place. filled with xie lian's scraps collected, knowing well now the sin of waste, but even as a child...so many years ago, he had disliked old things being put aside and forgotten, kept them in piles near him, a bizarre mingling of things. as they arrive, he uses both hands still blood stained to support hua cheng, mindful of not holding him too harshly or tightly because his own physical senses are so overlapped, making it hard to tell with precision what force he exerts. so he errs on the side of extreme gentleness, relying on some of the magic hua cheng lent him but more so his own qi. it spools out from him like so much moon white silk, and indeed almost as if a physical manifestation, ruoye unwinds from his arm, adherent to its master's concerned heart. )
You'll be alright.
( soft words bundled and promised as breaths into a drowning body, xie lian guides hua cheng to the small bed, coaxing him to lie down. for a body that exuded little to no heat of its own originally once human shaped, it is alarming how much like a furnace hua cheng seems, and xie lian almost in childlike franticness, drops another kiss to his temple and asks him to wait a moment. then he's up on his feet again to grab a small bowl he fills with cold water, as well as a small rag. it only takes less than a minute for him to return, and it helps that it's just one room, this shop or home or shrine or however people wish to see it. he kneels at the bedside and takes a deep, trembling breath. it's alright, he reminds himself. in the end, a familiar depends on its master, and xie lian despite being overwhelmed by how hua cheng himself feels, is in fact "fine" himself. another breath. he blinks, then dips the cloth and wrings it out so it's only slightly damp, before gently laying it across hua cheng's forehead.
he doesn't know if this is foolish. the heat that burns from hua cheng is very much from his core, not his actual body, yet perhaps it can afford him some external relief even so. but xie lian reaches out to him again with his qi as well, a soothing stroke along skin and soul that makes his own cheeks burn but he doesn't know what else to do, how else to make sure he is reaching him. there exists a tenuous threshold here; he can feel hua cheng holding himself in, in a sense, that he is anxious of something even if xie lian cannot entirely identify it as worry about control or loss of it. he cards his fingers through hua cheng's hair, cocooning him in his energy, the sheer amount of which is abnormal and part of what always made xie lian so strong as an enchanter: that even before he came into his actual magic, he was a honed vessel of a particular qi bound to instinct as much as discipline.
as he takes the cloth off to soak and wring it again, turning it over, he pauses, the water dripping onto his own lap as he leans over to kiss hua cheng again, this time on the mouth, seeking:
what can i do? i will do anything you need. can you tell me? )
[ His heart is put more at ease the moment they step back into puqi shrine, feeling the barriers that were set up as comfortable as blankets. Here he's sure nothing can hurt Xie Lian —if he controls himself well enough, that is. Reality flickers away for a moment while he waits for the other to be back and it's a peculiar feeling, because he never needs to rest and so he never dreams, but now his body is extremely tired and dreams appear behind his closed eyelids. Hua Cheng lifts them again at once, not wanting to leave his master even for a moment of sleep.
The moment he's back into the room, the familiar smiles at him as if he hadn't seen him in years and longed for him. He would recognize how he's bordering panic and franticness even if they weren't tied together and Hua Cheng gives an apologetic expression, looking much like a cat asking for something with how soft he is.
Hua Cheng sighs, relieved, when the cloth is dragged against his feverish skin. He never knew cold could bring comfort; he's been on the other side for so long that he doesn't remember anymore how it was like to be hot-blooded. Right now that heat within him is sticky and disgusting, like syrup slowed down his movements and his mind. He hates it, mostly because he hates seeing Xie Lian like this and knowing he's the reason for it.
He would apologize again, but he knows his master doesn't like that, so he only keeps looking at him, the fingers of his closest hand stretching out until he can wrap them gently around the wide sleeve of his forearm. He brings his free hand to his mouth, kisses his palm, quiet reassurance.
His whole body tenses pleasantly when the other reaches out again with his qi, caressing his soul like one would a pet, and with Hua Cheng's struggle with self-control, he makes a pretty but quite shameful noise. He doesn't seem to realize it, eyes lingering on Xie Lian like he's the only thing in this whole, wide world that he can see —and the only thing he wants to eat up.
A blink and that darkness is gone, a surprised but pleased smile stretching his lips when he gets kissed. It's the first time his master takes the initiative to kiss him on the lips, isn't it? Hua Cheng smiles with every fiber of his being, adoring as he looks back at him, forgetting for a moment that he's burning up.
I do not know, gege..., he replies earnestly, looking away, dejected. He did lose control before, but they weren't tied together like this back then, and he could allow himself to do it. Today he doesn't know what he'd do... Touching and being close to Xie Lian might fix it with time, but that would feed another side of him, the all-devouring monster. He wants him so much, the bond whispers in his ear to get closer every waking moment: without enough energy to control that, what would he do?
Maybe if we take a bath..., he suggests without looking at Xie Lian out of shame. Being close to you like that first night... maybe it could balance things out., but the truth is that he doesn't know himself either. At least he's suggesting he's to be naked but Xie Lian can keep his inner vest, like during that first night.
But gege has to promise: you'll reject me and bind me if I start doing... improper things., his brows give a decisive sharpness to his gaze as he looks at the other. You know... what's inside of me, he sighs, sheepish. Their souls are so close that's impossible for Xie Lian not to have noticed Hua Cheng's lust. ]
[ It's a few hours they've been walking on this field, gathering herbs to be turned into concoctions or dried. Hua Cheng stands far from Xie Lian, nearly the most distance he can keep without their bodies physically hurting. The discomfort is there, prickles at his soul like pins and needles, cries softly in the back of his mind, but the familiar pretends he can't feel it. It's better not to be too close, it's surely what Xie Lian prefers.
Nothing has technically changed ever since that day Hua Cheng lost control on his powers, the shock and misery of having to see a statue of misfortune breaking him despite his years. Yet, his bond with Xie Lian doesn't feel the same anymore. It's like walking on the same path you know, but suddenly the surroundings are blurry, and an unsettling quietness lingers all around. It's not like Xie Lian has been keeping him out, their connection lingers, and yet Hua Cheng cannot reach the same depth, like the other is keeping him at a safe distance.
His familiar cannot blame him, that day is a mixture of fractured memories and instinctive decisions, not necessarily right. He decided to worship Xie Lian and show him how pleasure felt like, given by someone who cares earnestly about him, someone who wants him free of constraints, unlike Jun Wu. But it was a one-sided decision. Xie Lian had never asked.
Maybe Xie Lian thought him out of place, or blasphemous. Maybe Xie Lian loves Jun Wu better than his familiar and would rather follow his teachings, with how long the sovereign has been around his master —he hasn't realized, after all, how many times he'd met Hua Cheng before, in a variety of different faces, and the younger doesn't mean to tell him. Hua Cheng knows that he should be thankful: Xie Lian in his graciousness has decided not to scold or punish him, simply keep him a little further. But he finds himself selfish and he hasn't been able to control the sadness that's infected his mood recently.
He has retreated into his mind, concerned about his every action and how it'll be read, growing if not timid, conscious, self-despisal flared up in return for what he perceives like rejection. He's quiet as his gaze goes through the grass and wild flowers, looking for medicinal ones, not even caring about the drizzle that's growing more insistent by the minute. He hasn't even resorted to magic and his long hair has grown shiny and damp, his red robes darker in a few spots.
His boots jingle at each careful step, until he stops and crouches by a white flower, shielding it with his large hand. It reminds him of a certain someone who's not far, gathering herbs in a basket. He smiles and caresses its petals with a finger, infusing it with magic to ensure its well-being, before he sighs and reaches to pluck closeby dandelions, rubbing wet soil from the roots. His fingers are plenty dirty and smeared with mud by the time he reaches Xie Lian. ]
Gege, I found dandelions for tea. Both flowers and roots. I'm sure you'll be able to trade it easily. [ He smiles sweetly as he places them in the basket, not giving any reaction even as their bond tingles with relief. His gaze sweeps over the thin chain around the other's graceful neck, carrying the ring that he had the older find the day after their shared affection. His master has never taken it off since, despite not knowing its meaning.
Hua Cheng looks down and away, not even catching Xie Lian's eyes despite yearning for it, scared what he'd find there. He asks, obedient and well-behaved: ] What else do you need?
( the truth is that even years of being ridiculed and shamed did not prepare him for how things feel in the aftermath. hua cheng's words had come through in that fiery haze, that xie lian need not feel guilty and yet he does. his familiar depends on him, and was good enough to find him despite all odds being against such a thing, and yet...
an unfortunate herb skips the mortar and pestle stage inside of xie lian's closed hand, causes a scattering of dark smudged green on his robes that yet resiliently retain so much white even in the rain. kneeling as he is, head bowed as he sorts the other not-crushed herbs into their own folds of cloth in his basket, the energy of xie lian is a manufactured quiet. his qi unconsciously likens its shape to something as shackled and muted as his magic. the warmest thing on his blood and bone body is the feeling of the ring around his neck, the meaning of which he has not asked of yet, feeling he does not have the right.
the first day after was difficult, a whiplash of back and forth as xie lian's body deeply over sensitized, would spike in heat and stimulation at the tiniest of things: the brush of his clothing against his chest, the nearness of hua cheng's fingertips to his wrist, and so on. mortified in a way he thought he had grown well beyond, xie lian had gone to bed early that day, curled against the wall to hide himself and tried as best he could to learn how to pick-and-choose what came through their link.
he's a quick learner, always has been.
to their detriment, though he doesn't understand fully yet.
what xie lian thinks is protecting hua cheng as well as effectively denying himself (as he should, in his own head), is not that at all.
so for days the distance and careful quiet xie lian has cultivated in the red string between them has been like a constantly blooming bruise across all of hua cheng, pressed on or not depending on how bad, and perhaps worst of all for the familiar, insight into his master is exactly that blurred path: familiar colors, lights, shadows, but nothing concrete. for xie lian, he doesn't realize it either, so focused on trying to not want too much or ask for too much or indeed even let himself recognize his own very new and very distracting physical ache. on the basest level, it is like an animal who has been shown warmth after not in a long time, starving for it now that it has been reminded what it is.
but the statues are and were not ever completely out of hand. once, xie lian did think so; was incensed. these days, he accepts it and carries tendrils of guilt for not being able to do more.
perhaps with hua cheng, he errs on the side of over caution because he fears falling short for him. one should not idolize someone; it will only lead to disappointment. the gentle smile that rests in his expression fractures. ruoye unfurls and slips off his wrist to whisper around his neck before returning to his arm. it causes the bandages around xie lian's neck to part, but he doesn't notice for now, not quite daring to meet hua cheng's gaze either even as his body automatically starts to turn from where he's kneeling in the earth, drawn to him. )
This is good, San Lang. Thank you.
( why does it feel like a shortcoming even to not have something more to ask of him? xie lian's heart feels uncomfortable. heavy. tight. a bond with a familiar is not like one's own magic even if it supports that. especially with xie lian, who has none to speak of, now that his body has accepted from hua cheng already, it pleads for it but xie lian stifles it. in his mind, he has already taken too much. if the day ever comes he can repay him, properly complete their bond as master and familiar, magic like a heart revived, he will. for now, xie lian is just focused on not taking.
as the rain falls a bit harder, he finally does peer up at him, blinking through the wet, gaze catching on hua cheng's hair. automatic, he reaches out to touch some of the shining strands. )
I don't want San Lang to get sick. We should go back. The field will be here after the rain too.
( then he smiles at him, but it feels, most of all, like an apology, underneath even this, all of xie lian's soul and body on the edge of physical pain the same as his familiar for what he denies them, thinking it is the right thing to do. )
[ It hurts. It hurts in ways he didn't think possible after everything he's gone through, the abuse, the hopelessness, his missing eye. It hurts more deeply, like his soul is being crushed in that mortar too, together with the herbs.
By denying them closeness, Xie Lian is actively choking him, hands around his neck without even realizing. It is torture, but Hua Cheng believes he deserves all pain he gets, especially when it's Xie Lian giving it to him, even on accident. What's more, Hua Cheng has increased his punishment, blocking off his magic, the very same that he poured into his master, the source of the problem. He hasn't used even a drop of it ever since that day, doing everything by hand the way Xie Lian does and with even more effort, for he doesn't own an equally powerful qi.
E'Ming on his neck has been shut, not allowed to show its suffering, together with its owner's, and has turned into a leather collar, much harsher against the skin. The rub has chafed it, reddened and broken it. But it's little price, he knows. He deserves worse, for what he has taken. The way Xie Lian avoids to look at him proves it, together with his distance. It's still seared in his mind, under his skin, the way he curled up so small on the bed the day after, giving him his back like he didn't want to see him anymore. Hua Cheng had wanted to disappear then. He'd laid on the floor that night, undeserving of sharing that bed, of being close again. And he's avoided sleeping ever since.
He tenses up when his hair is touched, relief flooding for a moment their bond, so thick and intense it makes his vision swim for a moment. Please echoes breathlessly in their connection, his soul begging desperately, before he straightens up and looks away from those perfect fingers. He remembers the way they felt tugging onto that very same hair, while he-- ]
San Lang will do as he's told. [ He replies, softly, gaze daring to look up at that smile. It only gives him a pang of pain though, with how sad and apologetic it looks. Hua Cheng has been a shadow of himself, the smug and brazen youth replaced by a meek and obedient one, fearful like that cat rescued on a day of celebrations.
He wouldn't normally get sick just from the rain, but he's as weak as a human with his magic denied both by himself and their bond. Maybe even weaker, since this body isn't technically alive, no beating heart or warm blood. ]
I could still serve gege even sick, it is no issue. [ He reassures him, with a slight tinge of urgency. In this situation, what would happen were he to stop entirely being useful...?
Being chased away would be worse than dying again. ]
( it's many decades, centuries of mistakes and learned patience and stubborn empathy that has xie lian gently rising to his feet, just to take both of hua cheng's hands in his own, the basket softly turned to its side near xie lian's ankles. he rubs his fingertips across hua cheng's knuckles, as if he could work in warmth, head bowed, the long tenacious tangle of his own hair almost black with how soaked through it is. a sharp contrast to the white he always wears. )
San Lang, I know it isn't conventional, and I apologize. I seem to be in the habit of not doing things how I should, or how is expected.
( his smile is hidden because of his lowered head, rueful. despite trying to protect hua cheng from himself by keeping their bond quiet and controlled, and so closing off certain intuitions, xie lian has a soft hearted advantage of simply caring enough about him regardless. hua cheng reminds him of an injured animal of late, and even more so right now, so xie lian is excruciatingly gentle with his touch, comfort channeled into it with the utmost care, his qi running soothing lines along him as a hand along a cat's back or fingers carded through a person's hair, a palm drawing wide open hearted circles across a broad back, and so on. )
But even if it is typical for a familiar to "serve", I prefer to try us thinking of each other as something more equal. San Lang's well being is important to me, and I neither want you to fall sick nor feel you need to "serve". Or if that is unavoidable, San Lang would need to accept me serving him as well.
( with that, xie lian finally looks up, and this time his smile is a more familiar warmth. ignoring the rain, and anyway at this point they are both drenched, xie lian keeps one hand curved softly over one of hua cheng's, while the other lifts carefully to pause in front of his face as if asking permission, and if it is given, xie lian will fit his palm and long pale tapered fingers against the side of hua cheng's face, gentle gentle gentle. fond. yet firm underneath it all: the heart and the nerve in many storied alignment.
then xie lian's qi wraps around all of hua cheng like a physical embrace of sunlight in the midst of the dark storm: there, there. it is alright. i promise. please help me understand. )
[ They're suddenly so close that their bond sighs deeply in relief. The more Xie Lian's gentle fingers try to rub warmth into Hua Cheng's, the more their connection rejuvenates, like a plant getting watered after drying out in the harsh sun. Hua Cheng tries not to think of their entwined hands while they were kissing on the other's bed, but controlling his thoughts about his better half is starting to become difficult. Especially so when at the limits of his gaze there are the older's white robes, becoming nearly see-through because of rain, and his loosened neck bandages, showing the fading bruise of his love bite. His chest aches and so his heart.
Hua Cheng breathes out shakily when he feels that familiar qi caress him gently: he hadn't been touched by it ever since it eagerly welcomed his power, that day. His magic ripples, but Hua Cheng's sheer will pushes it back down, almost bowing to the other's qi. Xie Lian could find it unbearable, to be touched by his magic again, could find it dirty.
There's a devil in the back of his mind, who dares scoffing at Xie Lian's words, who dares whispering about what he says doesn't match what he does. Hua Cheng is confused. He thought he was meant to serve, after he had been rejected so obviously. If that is taken from him too, what can he do? He tilts his head, long damp locks following the motion and slipping off his shoulder, raindrops running down his cheeks and chin, like the tears he's unable to shed.
It is that pained confusion that meets the radiant light of the other's smile and his magic surges through him in a sudden wave at the sight of it. It floods him with relief. He trembles violently when qi embraces him, unable to control the way his magic leans into it, daring to touch it back, like two palms, two foreheads resting together. ]
Gege... [ He whispers oh so quiet while tilting his head into his hand, basking into his touch like a cat. He closes his eyes and acts merely on instinct when he presses a peck to his palm, only to realize belatedly and stiffen, timid gaze searching for the other's disgust in hazel eyes. He doesn't hold it for more than a second, looking down soon after. ]
We were equals that day, in each other's arms. There was no serving. I didn't give and dianxia didn't take; we exchanged. [ It takes little imagination to understand what he's talking about, voice jagged like a shard. ] But dianxia was understandably displeased with me. I am unworthy and forgot myself by trying and being dianxia's equal. I can only serve. [ His master has always been too good to him that Hua Cheng forgot his place. What a horrible mistake, he's ruined everything.
Hua Cheng suddenly drops on his knees, like the masked person from a long time ago. Back straight like a soldier's and hands on his thighs, he is in the same pose as the ones who take their own life for honor out of the battlefields. ] I can't accept dianxia serving me, that would be blasphemous. There's only one person you should serve and that's yourself. [ Not even Junwu, his words imply --he's the least worthy, but he cannot mention it, for maybe part of the other's unhappiness with him stems also from the way he dared shooing thoughts of the beloved and revered sorcerer out of Xie Lian's mind. ]
( there is a sigh in xie lian's voice carried off by the rain, but maybe it does not matter as he lowers himself to the ground, hands reaching out gently to frame hua cheng's face, guiding him to meet his gaze if he is not wholly opposed. though not all of his carefully held walls come down, it is as if xie lian has made a door or a window in himself, and the flow of his qi seeks to invite in whatever magic hua cheng wishes to grace him with, a soothing warmth of a light in the dark that spells safety and something almost secret. meanwhile, xie lian's hands never leave hua cheng's face, just holding him, as if to say: i do not reject you, i am not disappointed, you are the furthest from unworthy.
in truth, it breaks his heart, a feeling he nearly thought he had become sort of dissociated from over centuries.
for xie lian's empathy has been cut open a hundred times, but it has grown back without anything to show for it on his physical body or his magic; as if nothing bad has ever happened to him. the only "proof" is of his shame and exile: shackles banding neck and ankle that xie lian fails to recognize for what they truly are, tied to jun wu as he is. but with hua cheng connection is not a thing of shame. the only matter of ambivalence is that xie lian neither knows how to handle that he lost control — even if hua cheng calls it an exchange, he cannot quite see it that way; he is older, he can sense it, than his familiar, and he has no excuse after the multitudes of situations and years; he should not have succumbed. still. he does not want to disregard hua cheng's genuine perspective either, which brings them here: soaked through to the bone.
except even without magic, xie lian has something left between his qi and ruoye. he lets his qi nudge against hua cheng's magic, as if xie lian is now the cat rubbing between hua cheng's ankles or seeking to nap on his chest and purr in the cadence of a heartbeat. )
San Lang. I was never displeased with you. It was with myself that I was discouraged. But that too was my oversight. I should have just talked with you.
( the smile is self-deprecating, but xie lian gets to his feet again, this time reaching to grasp one of hua cheng's hands with his own. )
Please, we can go back together. I need — no, I want to dry you off before you get sick.
( despite his looks, xie lian's grip is firm, their fingers interlaced.
what xie lian cannot do about the weather, he tries to make up in other ways. if hua cheng allows him, he will find himself flooded with xie lian's qi even more than before, like being warmed from the inside, out. it might even make him feel physically lighter during their walk home (if hua cheng agrees to it, that is.) and if, at some point, xie lian can tell hua cheng won't pull away, his grip will soften just so he can turn his hand enough that his thumb can rub soothingly along hua cheng's knuckles, attempting to reassure him in any conceivable way that he can. they are both drenched and earth muddied, and need baths, but all xie lian is focused on right now is getting them home at all. their foraged things lay forgotten in the grass, but they can be found again anew on a sunnier day. )
[ Xie Lian will be able to feel a wave of near-panic, when he apologizes, Hua Cheng's eyes growing wide. What for...? His hands instinctively reach out to try and stop the other from kneeling, but the older's too determined and his familiar finds him soon at eye level, touching him, letting him in. That familiar path of their connection is becoming a little sharper, closer to how it used to be when Hua Cheng first got his powers back. There's a string of magic, as thin as the one around his finger, that naturally flows into that breach Xie Lian has made for him.
He shivers but it's not the cold, nor the chill that comes with being wet. Rather it's the relief, bordering pleasure of the other's qi rubbing against him, of those hands that hold his face. Hua Cheng relaxes into them, eyelashes fluttering, his cold fingers going to rub at Xie Lian's knuckles.
He gasps softly, his face giving away his surprise when Xie Lian tells him he wasn't displeased with him. The relief that floods him is near solid, like a hug that envelops Xie Lian in return and squeezes him, an echo of thanks reverberating through their bond. ] Did... did gege dislike our closeness so much, that you felt guilty for it? Does something good need a culprit? [ He cannot help wondering, voice soft, giving their entwined fingers a squeeze.
He looks obedient as he gets up, red clothes stained green and muddy, long hair looking like black silk threads, the sheen of water on them. The confession of the other's wish, his want, gives him a shiver. He yearns to fulfill the other's wants and needs, and so he nods, allowing it even if he doesn't like the notion of being looked after, when it should be him giving it all to his master --no, his equal; his other half.
That much qi filling him nearly takes his breath away. It's like being touched all over his skin, Hua Cheng's breathing growing quicker. ] Gege doesn't need to waste so much power on me... [ He glances at him almost pleadingly, for he realizes how much of it is being poured into him. In return, Hua Cheng finally reaches into his magic, thick and warm, like sunlight being cast on Xie Lian, the kiss of warm summer wind in his hair, the whisper of spring in his bones. Hua Cheng merely locked his magic away because he was scared his owner and that qi that had welcomed it didn't want it anymore, but it's still there, aplenty. He won't use it for himself, but he certainly will for Xie Lian. ]
I will have the herbs gathered. [ He promises, for his magic can go and take care of it, as soon as they step past the threshold of home. ] I will prepare a hot bath, gege needs to warm up. [ He offers softly, like he doesn't. His bond betrays him though, the craving for closeness translating into the picture of them sharing the tub, even if on opposite sides, poured right into the other's mind. ]
( for a moment, xie lian does not answer. ah is that how it must seem. it makes sense, and he feels all the guiltier for the miscommunication. indeed, he is quiet so long that in the end he answers only the other statement for the time being, finding it more important as he reaches out to stroke along hua cheng's magic the way he would run his fingers along a cat's side or back. )
It's not a waste at all. ( he does not bother telling hua cheng he needn't. he knows it would be a disservice to him to deny him of that act, and now that hua cheng is permitting both xie lian and himself awareness of his magic again, less fearful of having done wrong or not enough, xie lian can at least tell he doesn't lack for it. in fact, he thinks he has not met a single individual with as much magic as hua cheng seems to contain. it makes xie lian shiver with warmth, a heady feeling.
when he wonders how long it took him to cultivate, unexpectedly that thought's path strikes him in his heart like a physical loneliness augmented by unknown years, so visceral it seems to be his own but it's displaced in time and setting. it makes him stumble, but they are already inside his home so it's easy for him to reach out a hand to steady himself against the table.
for half a second there are even ripple sentiments coming from that darkness and it almost reminds xie lian of a time he would rather not think of — his fingers scraped raw and bleeding as he wondered if anyone could come to him in that dark, quiet place; so he doesn't.
instead, he lets his trembling fingers curl in his long, soaked sleeve, smiling at hua cheng as he says, )
San Lang needs to warm up as well.
( the image of them bathing together returns, this time given from xie lian's side, but it is expanded upon: both of them on the same side of the tub, small as it is anyway, xie lian behind hua cheng as he gently brushes his hair free of any tangles, a probable prelude to washing it.
around xie lian's neck, the bandages he usually uses to conceal the shackle there have come messy and unspooled, hanging in sad clinging fashion to his collarbones and stuck further down to the damp of his robe as all wet fabric is wont to do. ruoye has detached itself, soothed by the reconnection of master and familiar but still a little anxious, hovering next to xie lian with what can only be read as worry. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
will be edited as i add other TLs
for additional rows
as discussed, witch/familiar au
but he's glad he can finally feel his power creeping in, tingling pleasantly under his skin like electricity. this form means he'll be stronger, he'll manage to defend xie lian even better, until he's completely oblivious to the risks and threats around him because hua cheng has obliterated them. he will also be able to infuse more luck into him, whether he needs it or not.
hua cheng can't deny though, there are selfish reasons too. he wants xie lian to look at him, the real him. he wants to answer him when his name is called. he wants to touch him and hold him in his arms and... ah-- hua cheng can't help picturing all sorts of affection. it's taboo between master and servant bound by the kind of contract they share. and yet he's greedy, to the point that he sometimes influences xie lian's dreams until his blurry outline appears in them, cuddling the older to his chest and kissing the top of his head. he doubts xie lian remembers those dreams, because he never mentions them.
hua cheng stirs from his curled position on top of the covers and stretches deep, yawning as even his pointy ears press against the top of his head. he feels power expanding at every inch of the moon that's cast in shadow. the moment the pale surface is swallowed by darkness, hua cheng turns.
endlessly long, inky black hair pools on the blanket and slips down from the edge of the bed; fair, lean limbs stretch, long and strong legs, a chiseled abdomen and a wide back; his thin lips curl into a taunting smile, while mismatched eyes shine of their own light. hua cheng is naked and he tangles his legs in the topmost cover so his modesty will be hidden by it, without him getting into physical contact with his master.
languidly laying on his side, his gaze is enamoured, as he presses his elbow on the pillow and leans his face against the heel of his hand. the red string xie lian tied to his paw is still there, around his middle finger, and so is the collar around his neck. his free hand cards through xie lian's smooth hair as the moon frees itself from the cage of shadow, flooding the room in pale light. hua cheng is so excited that his power near crackles under his skin.
he feels a deep shiver when he accidentally grazes the other's ear and he doesn't know if it's the intensity of his attraction, or their bond shivering in pleasure at how they're connected even more deeply now. ]
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this is a small town. a general store. a flower shop. a grocer. xie lian had wandered here...when? a little after he first saw xiao hua, but before he took him in. it's a much smaller place than the massive city he was born in, but somehow over the moons, he's become more at home here than he's felt in quite a while. xiao hua helped with that. and though he's "just a cat", there's nothing "just" or "only" about another living being, about a part of your life that makes you smile or feel strangely comforted even if you do not particularly feel you deserve it.
what a simple and bone deep kindness it has been in xie lian's life these days and nights, to curl up with xiao hua who lets him do such silly things as tie a red string around his paw and tell him nonsense secrets that are almost, almost wishes: "xiao hua. look. now, no matter what, i can find you." then xie lian had blushed under that odd blue light of the moon before eclipse, laughed at himself and murmured, "well, as long as you want to..." and like that he'd fallen asleep, one pale hand curled against xiao hua's soft belly.
the magic in xie lian's family has had strong witches before, but xie lian had left even those in the dust. welcomed into another coven known as "immortals", xie lian had left his own blood at 17, only to return when he had word of things falling apart. he hadn't been able to help them and indeed is the reason for the deaths of many. even in modern times, a villain is a villain and a poison is a poison. one drinks water. one burns witches — those who aren't useful anyway, those damned by fortune. so on. so forth.
around xie lian's wrist and ankle: a shackle. if one catches a glimpse, it is easy to write them off as poor decisions of youth, tattoos after one too many drinks (not true, as xie lian's magic cultivation roots in abstinence from such things). his magic is, these days, quite limited and his luck hysterically bad. but the story no one knows other than xie lian himself is that he asked for these. but would it ever be enough to make up for...?
such is the contortion of xie lian's nightmares, moments of painful enclosure or fire and smoke, or a white strip of fabric innocuous to anyone else, the self-same one that lives in waking life wrapped around xie lian's wrist (usually.) since inviting xiao hua in, he has noticed the nightmares are less, but perhaps the eclipse strengthens more than one thing. those nightmares recede though in tandem with "xiao hua" becoming himself, becoming hua cheng even as xie lian still remains entangled in sleep — sleep that does not appear troubled at all, because xie lian taught himself years ago to not make a fuss, awake or not. still, it might be more obvious in his spirit, how it settles in alignment with hua cheng settling into his proper form, like a deep breath taken after too long of being deprived.
it also wakes xie lian up.
he blinks, eyes heavy, woken in the midst of things, and instinctively spreads his fingers, pushes his palm forward to search blearily for xiao hua...
...???
....??!!?!?
what he touches is not the soft silky black fur of xiao hua but something firm, and warm and...and...? as xie lian's vision finally focuses he decides must not be awake after all, follows the too handsome man's face down his bare chest ???? to his stomach where ---
xie lian snatches his hand back buries his face in his hands, then remembers how that hand was touching a second ago and unburies his face, scrambling backwards and utterly forgetting how perfect sized though this bed has been for him and a small black cat...well...
he feels his balance go off kilter and both arms flail wildly even as he shoots another confused, but very very awake look at...
who on earth is this? )
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Gege, don't forget the bed is barely big enough for us. [ he reminds him gently, the shadow of a tease in his tone. he knows perfectly why panic ensued and xie lian moved away so abruptly, but he treats it as if the other did it just because of sleepiness.
with the frames of two young men, the single bed is terribly small, to the point that hua cheng hooks one of his long legs against the other's, blanket shielding them from physical contact. his hands have been lingering around his elbows, chests facing one another to the point they almost graze at each inhale. xie lian is warm from embarrassment and hua cheng basks in the way that spreads his scent all around him, envelops him. that's one of the things he's loved, of sharing such closeness with xie lian all this time: being drenched in his scent, belonging to him so intimately without the other even realizing. ]
Did you have a nightmare again? [ he wonders if xie lian ever has dreams that aren't bad at all. not even his breathing changes, his self-control so deeply-rooted, yet he can feel the shifts in his magic while he sleeps, the spikes it reaches when he feels threatened.
hua cheng takes his hand and brings it to his face, leaning his cheek into his palm and smiling at him sweetly. his behaviour is so terribly similar to that affectionate black cat, xie lian is bound to notice it. he presses his lips to the heel of his hand. ] Gege, I've always been here by your side. Don't you recognize me? [ his eye smile is just like the way xiao hua narrowed his eyes in happiness and affection upon looking at him, his red eye not menacing at all.
he leads his hand to the top of his head, drags it to stroke his hair, just like xie lian always stroked his fur. ] I want gege to always find me. [ he mutters, voice low and nearly sultry, replying to the words he told him when he gifted him that red thread. ]
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— . . .
don't you recognize me?
details come into focus. the color of the eyes. the red string. the collar. even the way that face leans into his hand.
!?
it can't be.
and yet, when xie lian reaches out to feel for that familiar magic that had always gently surrounded xiao hua, it's as good as confirmation, despite it being so much stronger, overwhelming even, all but radiating off of the person holding him. his own heart is out of control, and the hand not held to the other's face is still pressed to his own face, sort of covering it sort of not, fingers splayed. magic signatures are what non magic users might equate to unique as fingerprints. there are no two just alike, no matter the origins.
xie lian's mind goes in circles until he can't remember what he was asked first, and out of habit he shakes his head. nightmares...it doesn't matter. it's fine.
ah. )
...Xiao Hua?
( he refrains from commenting that the bed was perfectly big enough just moments ago, even the slight shift of his body causing them to touch so he goes still. but when he breathes in, it's xiao hua but not. it's...like his magic, much stronger, the shape a little different, as if xie lian had been exposed to only the outermost ring of something secret and personal. his scent is both the same and different too, and it makes xie lian's head spin, floods his sense of smell and taste. he was already warm, flushed pink in all the telltale places, and that doesn't show any signs of changing any time soon, xie lian having a moment of insanity in which he almost leans forward to bury his face against a very human neck the way he would have also done with xiao hua...er xiao hua the cat. he stops himself beforehand, but it doesn't do much to curtail his inner embarrassment.
whenever xie lian would change, he noticed xiao hua would disappear into another room or hide his face. he would laugh and talk to him and tell him it's okay, not sincerely thinking it was a matter of modesty. xiao hua walked around without clothes every day after all! a point xie lian made to him affectionately off and on. now...
ahhhh....
the internal screaming might take a while.
xie lian's sleep clothes are akin to a sleeping hanfu, plain and white. simple. strangely he feels very at home in this ensemble, if one could call it that. though when he goes out to collect scraps from the local shops or forage in the nearby forests, he dresses much more subtly. with all his scrambling and almost falling, the robe has come loose, threatening to skew off of one shoulder but xie lian is so caught up in xiao hua — was it the eclipse?! will he change back?! ahhh....— he doesn't notice it at all. )
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Did gege like my other form better? I can change back. [ he offers, upon seeing him so lost and feeling the embarrassment that burns his insides, as much as his cheeks. hua cheng's thumb rubs against xie lian's middle finger and a red thread just like his own appears, tied neatly into a ribbon. ] So I will never lose gege either. [ his eyes narrow happily, unexpected softness over such sharp, cold features.
his gaze brushes against the other's pretty face and slides down the elegant column of his neck, following the milky white skin to his nearly bare shoulder. he wants to kiss it, he wants to bite it. he can picture all too well how the mark of his teeth would look across it and his power bubbles up, excited. he could cover him in marks, hickeys imbued with magic, so that nobody ever dares getting close to him, sensing that he belongs to hua cheng and they would burn were they to lay a finger on him.
he's gathered power for centuries, greedy and hungry for it just so he could accumulate enough to protect xie lian effectively. he's always been his familiar, even when they weren't together; always acted for his sake, even if the other didn't know.
now the planets have aligned, the sacrifices have been offered and the spells have been chanted; a shadow was cast on the moon and hua cheng is nearly born anew, all his efforts leading to this one moment.
he reaches out to gently tuck his bangs behind his ear, black nails careful not to graze against his skin, and then his pads brush down along the shell of it and wander to his shoulder. he resists the temptation, unsure whether his lust spilled already in the other's mind, and he fixes the fabric. ]
My appearance may have changed but I will serve you just like I've done so far, master. I am yours all the same. [ how naturally he speaks such words, the way he looks at xie lian giving him away, like the older hung the stars in the sky, his one and only sun. ] I hope I have not scared you. [ his eyelashes flutter and he looks down, as if ashamed of such a thing. ]
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( he's as eager to reassure him as he is to make sense of the flood of heat coursing through him, making him dizzy. the feverish warmth in his cheeks seems everywhere now, and he shivers with each touch, unconsciously leaning into it. the word "master" is a bit sobering though, in that it confuses him, and xie lian raises his head as the other lowers his gaze. he blinks, dumbfounded, then reaches out one hand -- the one without the string, which stays in the other's hold -- to pet at his face and then scratch behind his ear before catching himself! he's still treating him like a cat! his fingers freeze there and self conscious sheepish laughter trickles up again as xie lian...
starts to babble. )
Ah ha...well. I sorry what? "Master"? You don't have to call me that...um. And I'm not scared, really I'm not! I was just surprised. Xiao Hua is welcome in any form he likes. I, you know, it's...and maybe I'll open the window. It is sort of warm, isn't it?
( and xie lian has just pulled away, one leg off the bed before he stops again, looking over his shoulder, )
...or is Xiao Hua cold? You don't have fur anymore...
( he sort of knows he sounds ridiculous but he's overwhelmed. the heat from before hasn't rescinded. it tingles along his every nerve and indeed makes xie lian lose his balance now. some of it is his magic responding to the near full fledged form of the being he has not yet understood is his familiar. some of it is "xiao hua"'s feelings. and some of it is xie lian's feelings. it's just that he's never actually had those before, not in this way at least. even as he tries to remember the foundational spells he was meant to use to practice and grow his magic, spells of purity and abstinence, but none of them come. )
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he hums with his deep voice, leaning into the touch to his face and sighing pleased at the scratching behind his ear, clearly still liking what he did when he was a cat. he purses his lips in a childidh pout when xie lian suddenly retreats his hand. it's obvious he doesn't mind still being doted on the way it happened when he was just a pet.
the older's laugh is so cute, he admires him with adoration dripping from his gaze, no attempt to hide it.
hua cheng looks displeased when the other scoots away and almost shifts off the bed, but his gaze lights up with mischief when he stops and looks back.
hua cheng shuffles from his position, forgetting about the blankets and his nakedness as he settles behind xie lian. arms wrap around his waist, sturdy chest presses against his back and a cascade of inky locks spills onto the older's shoulders as the familiar tucks his face in the side of the other's neck. he shamelessly breathes him in, deep. he loves his scent, he loves having it all over himself. it was easier when he was smaller, just a cat, but he can make it happen now too. ]
I'm so cold, gege. Don't leave. [ he indeed is cold, but it's his own condition, he can hardly grow warm at all. there were many things he sacrificed for power and the characteristics of a human are among those. ]
Gege, can't we cuddle like we used to? [ his voice resembles entirely a purr, while his nose rubs into the other's neck. ] I want to be close to you.
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You're...very cold. Xiao Hua....Xiao Hua...are you okay?
( the abrupt panic from being flustered becomes panic from worry, the squeeze of xie lian's heart undoubtedly felt through the connection he still has not fully understood nor recognized. blindly he reaches back with a hand, tripping through the long soft black hair until he can pet him, however awkwardly. with his other hand he soothes along his arm back and forth as he might have along the whole of his cat form's back. )
Mm...that...um. Well.
( nerves dance in the borderline laugh of xie lian's voice, still confused, but then finding composure, not able to use magic so much anymore due to the shackles on his ankle and neck, but not everything is bound to his magic. there's a separation between that and his qi, which is part of what has endured him this far. still petting as much as he can, he relaxes, and there it is again: a near overwhelming flood of warmth and power. his heart beats a little faster, and though he's as warm as a small sun right now, xie lian shivers. he can feel it, this magic or magic adjacent thing right down to the tips of his fingers. not his.
but...?
the curious white strip of fabric that has been with him so long now unfurls itself to fly around and investigate xiao hua's new form, leery but also drawn. and xie lian gently chides, )
Ruoye leave him alone.
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( familiar verse | statue of misfortune )
throughout it all, xie lian has continued his normal daily life: going around collecting discards from the local and also neighboring towns' people, everything from scrap paper (for spells or even recipes) to wood or too old fruit or vegetables. once or twice, especially at the time closer to hua cheng's awakening, the sick feeling was enormous and even though xie lian didn't show it outwardly, he was reminded each time that hua cheng knew anyway; that's how their bond works, after all.
in a new moon cycle, some of the growing pains of their bond have already smoothed out, and although they can be farther apart without discomfort or even pain, they are most often together. xie lian understands that hua cheng prefers it this way, given both his role and his feelings, and if xie lian lets himself be selfish he can admit it silently to himself: he prefers it too, even if he also does not want to trouble him.
aside from collecting others' trash or discards, xie lian has been slowly taking odd jobs. they sometimes pay in small amounts of money or food or other goods, and xie lian isn't picky. even with his magic sealed and his fortune dispelled, he is yet a magic user. it is a permanent aspect of his make, body and heart. ruoye helped before, and now hua cheng helps a great deal. where xie lian's qi is not enough, he finds himself even more grateful for these two.
but sometimes he thinks it would be better if he had taken a request alone.
today is one of those times.
the request had been to take care of what the local townspeople thought of as a haunting, and they weren't exactly wrong. ghosts, low level but still trouble especially for non magic users, but released in waves that were too specific to be random. for xie lian, having never met the rumored night touring green lantern, he does not even now realize he knows very well who this is. indeed he had not known of him at all until recently. but none of that really registers as xie lian's footfalls come to the briefest pause. the system of caverns used to be mined for some kind of ore and other resources. the walls glow incandescent in a way that might be beautiful if there weren't so much blood staining many surfaces.
at the center, where someone once sat or perhaps still sits sometimes, a statue sits with its wrists bound behind its back.
ascended magic users are as close as this world might come to something like gods, capable of more than ordinary mortals but not inhuman, still living, though in xie lian's case unable to die. a fact he does not actively think about unless pushed to it. but their magic is read as a kind of guiding pillar at its height. it is only natural when such a person is branded and banished, that the misfortune that fell on those who flocked to his image, would then blame him for that misfortune. once regarded as a "prince" among magic users, flower crowned, known for walking barefoot everywhere and people would say that flowers bloomed under his steps, a path paradise bound.
building statues to funnel their disappointment, their hate, their bad luck, anything of ill, into, was an act of desperation.
xie lian doesn't blame them.
but he doesn't want hua cheng to see it.
the second his eyes recognize the stone figure ahead, he grabs hua cheng's sleeve to forcibly swing him around. it's not subtle, and he's not trying to be. even now, as much as xie lian wants to redirect them, he doesn't invoke what he could with hua cheng: the obedience of a familiar to its master. he has no interest in such a thing when instead he could have hua cheng's trust and love given of his own accord. but the hand curled in hua cheng's sleeve trembles slightly as he tugs, smiling only about half as he peers up at him, trying to pull him at the same time. )
Let's try another direction, San Lang.
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It's that panic that tinges his blood, together with that bone-deep concern that make him act like he would've never done otherwise. Recognizing this as a sort of order, Hua Cheng doesn't defy it. Instead, he prods their bond, investigating it in a way that makes him navigate upstream, towards Xie Lian. He reaches the edge of his thoughts and, impudent and bordering blasphemous, Hua Cheng pries into his mind, into that part that Xie Lian is trying so hard to hide. He can only do that because his master is a completely open book —which, in turn, makes him feel even more unbecoming.
But there, in the confused images of his mind, there's what Xie Lian laid his eyes on. All it takes is a blurry outline and Hua Cheng recognizes it. How could he not? He isn't subtle in how he reacts, eyes growing wide.
He has to confirm it for himself, the monstrosity, the blasphemy and so he turns around at once. It is really... it is indeed... the statue of the god of misfortune. ] How can it be.... [ He mumbles, dumbfounded for a moment. He'd put strenuous effort: he thought he'd destroyed all of them.
But it's here, in front of him. Kneeling and bound. The holy soles of his master and his perfect, delicate toes resembling petals, turned into nothing more than an insult. His head bowing like he ought to bow to anything at all in this filthy world, when it's always been the other way around.
It's a moment, a mere moment and his aura slips out of his control, like tendrils of ink that reach out of him. Their bond is flooded by his rage, blind and ruthless, like a wildfire searing everything on its way.
His red eye looks like it's glowing. ] They deserve to die. They all deserve to die. [ His voice is razor sharp, chilling especially for the one who's connected to him and can feel what a bottomless pit that anger is.
Hua Cheng had done his best back then, at first he'd tried to protect every shrine and statue he could, but what could a stray cat do. He'd wished for all those fake believers to burn alive in the same flames they used to destroy the temples of his master. And then he'd wished for far worse, as those kneeling statues started to be made. Skinning them... tearing them... no, no, it wasn't enough.
Hua Cheng fails to realize it: he's gone. The caves are starting to shake, the earthquake starting from the familiar's feet. The blood on the walls hums, called by his power and it pries away from the stones, coalescing into drops that crawl on the ground in thin streams, beckoned by the beast dressed in the same shade of red. ]
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San Lang. San Lang.
It isn't a big deal. San Lang —
( despite the very caves shaking, xie lian remains even keeled, only a tinge of desperation in him because he worries for hua cheng's own safety. taking a step closer, so they are nearly flush, he raises both hands to either side of hua cheng's face, stroking his thumbs outward across his cheeks in soothing back and forth lines while also exerting a touch of force, just enough to angle hua cheng's head so that he is at least adjusted to look at xie lian even if he doesn't actually do so. )
— I don't mind it. I'm just sorry that you had to see...
( the smile does not completely fall away but the draw of xie lian's eyebrows is self punishing at best. one of his hands smooths back from hua cheng's face to curl behind one ear, not scratching but cradling. as though he is the size of his xiao hua form and not considerably bigger. )
I have not had followers or believers, in a long time. The same can be said for my...
( what does one call them? he isn't sure and trails off, sheepish..., clearing his throat as he continues a bit hurriedly as the caves shake more violently. the smell of the blood is dizzying not because xie lian isn't used to it — he is perhaps too used to it rather — but because of the feeling coming from hua cheng happening at the same time, twofold inside and out. )
San Lang...look.
( the way he touches his hand a little more firmly to hua cheng's cheek is almost the same as a kiss before he steps further into the cave, pieces of it falling now. but xie lian is not afraid. he can be harmed but not killed, and there is a purpose to his movements. he pauses only at the statue looking at it with a strange expression he himself could not even identify before reaching out one pale hand. it trembles still but is impossible to see with how the caverns quake, and when his fingertips touch the crown of his own statue, the fissures are immediate, lines of white light before it shatters.
dust to dust.
his chest hurts. he doesn't know why. how unusual. he wonders why. ah.
this is hua cheng, he realizes, and half blindly steps forward through the falling rubble, sending what he hopes is another wave of calm, of reassurance: it's alright. it really is. don't worry.
the past is the past, and the truth is much of what people blamed him for was not wrong. he knows without saying so though, that hua cheng will neither agree nor want to hear that, so he keeps it to himself as much as he can. it isn't perfect. part of hua cheng will always know part of xie lian, and the reverse is also true, no matter if they try to protect each other from themselves at any given point. but he can make it cloudy, a nebulous sense of something almost too fogged over to be identified for what it is: i failed them, and i accept the consequences of that. a thing he would not have said many, many years ago, a thing he rose against at great cost, hurt and childish and desperate.
it feels like a lifetime ago.
around them, the blood in the walls seeping through the floor is thick, stains their shoes and the edges of xie lian's plain white robe, but seems only like an added shadow on the red that dons hua cheng's form. )
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He looks at Xie Lian and doesn't understand where they are or what the other is saying to him anymore. ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I tried, but I wasn't strong enough. I let you down. I couldn't protect you. [ His expression is deeply pained as he looks at his master, eyebrows furrowed deeply, eyes both monstruous and deeply human with how overflowing with sorrow they are. He is apologizing to Xie Lian like he did often in his dreams, plagued by guilt as nothing of the cult of him remained, as those blasphemous statues were made instead.
He starts shaking his head, more and more frantic every moment that passes. ] You shouldn't have had to see that... if only I'd had more power, you wouldn't have. [ If only he'd managed to destroy all those monstrosities before Xie Lian had to set eyes on them, if only he'd managed to save him some heartache.
The blood that's crawled at their feet dances as drops in the air, reaching Hua Cheng's long fingers, staining his fingertips, before it drops again when the familiar's attention is caught by the way his face is touched so firmly and Xie Lian steps back. Their bond reassures him it's just temporary and so he simply observes him, like one looks at a mirage, in awe and confused at once, not quite in touch with reality.
Then his gaze shifts to the statue. It's barely a moment and that familiar outline cracks and disappears into a pile of dust. Hua Cheng makes the pained noise of a wounded animal, his chest constricting, the knowledge that anything that has the looks of his master has to be destroyed bringing him pain no matter what.
That's when he starts waking up, blinking more rapidly, noises getting into his ears again, the quaking, the way his power is expanding like the shadows of an eclipse. Hua Cheng tries making a step and his knees give in entirely. He finds himself kneeling on the ground not unlike the statue did before. He touches his face, stained fingers drawing lines on his cheeks like bloodied tears, before he wipes his hands on his garment.
The quaking stills at once and the tendrils of his power grow much thinner and paler, only reaching for Xie Lian, in a desperate call for him to get closer again. ]
Dianxia... [ He calls, raspy and strained, and he stretches his arms out, forlorn. He needs to embrace and be embraced. He needs to hold him tight and be reassured that he's still here, no matter Hua Cheng's endless failures at keeping him safe. ] It is not true you haven't had believers in a long time... You have me.
I'm your most devoted believer and I always will be, till the end of time. [ Articulating words nearly pains him, as he breathes with difficulty, his power struggling within him with his feelings, wrestling with anger and desperation that want to push it out again, want to destroy everything around him. He's fighting harshly to regain some composure, it must be embarrassingly clear through their connection, most likely. But shame will be for another time: right now, he needs to pull himself together again. ]
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something in hua cheng's words feels like shattering. everything in hua cheng feels hurt, dangerous, and close to beyond control.
xie lian moves to kneel in front of him, gently reaching for his hands, making both of them bloody in the process. he draws them close to him, against his own chest where his heart beats, and then he leans his forehead against hua cheng's, if he lets him. )
San Lang. ( a beat. ) Xiao Hua. ( a beat. ) Hua Cheng. ( a heartbeat. )
Thank you for believing in me.
( then he lifts his head so he can press a kiss between hua cheng's eyes, and there he stays, his voice no longer carrying words but a quiet, soothing sound: he no longer remembers the words, that is. but the song's blood and bones remain: a lullaby that was also the very first spell he learned perhaps far too young and without theory or practice to fully understand. yet the spell had changed its shape for xie lian, rewoven itself from the tapered spellcasting fingers of his mother incandescent with stardust and then muted and colorless with sacrifice, into the peach blossom shroud of her son. the core of xie lian's magic, as well as his qi, has always all ways been his heart. and though there have been times when he might have changed its make, the reality is: he didn't.
even if it were at the last second, the once flower crowned enchanter adored by all, then a rumored white storm that cried and broke the sun in turns, would regret unleashing a curse on innocents. to this day, xie lian regrets. and sometimes, he mourns. that dream that wasn't a dream who saved him and all the people he would have irreversibly harmed otherwise.
when he breathes, it's incomprehensibly deep and slow: please be okay.
not a command, not a bewitching.
the request of a one who was once like a god, uttered in wordless song to his most devoted believer.
please.
won't you stay?
not that, after hua cheng's words, he thinks he would go by choice. but the scars upon hua cheng's soul are unmistakable and fearsome. a lesser individual would have ceased to be a long, long time ago. parts of him feel like a child. parts of him feel like a ghost. parts of him feel like xie lian will never be able to apologize enough or love him enough.
but he would like to try.
xie lian's song drapes across hua cheng's body as much as his soul in heartlines of gold and coral red and innocent white, a glittering of intertwine that adores him, that make a feeling like a home.
and home means many things.
not the least of which: i would like to keep you safe, if you would let me.
at the edges of xie lian's consciousness, the fugue state of his spellcasting and his song, he reaches to touch the tendrils of hua cheng's magic, a deeply intimate thing that has him gasping softly, his head falling to hua cheng's shoulder. he hopes he hasn't trespassed, but he wants to connect with him, to let him know: you have never failed me.
as his voice trails off, xie lian releases hua cheng's hands as gently as if they were glass, only to slip his arms around his middle. )
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All those names belong on Xie Lian's tongue, but the last one will always bring an irresistible want with it, no matter how many days it's been since he regained his powers and how they've gotten more used to this. The call of his name brings pleasure where there only was pain, a barren land suddenly growing grass.
Thank you for allowing me to make you my everything, is what echoes in his mind in reply to the other's words, but nothing comes out of his mouth. He sighs shakily and closes his eyes at the tender kiss, afraid to interrupt the humming even just with his blinking. Some remote corner of his soul recognizes this melody, maybe it was shared with him when he was still a kitten and Xie Lian fed him.
The other's voice beckons so much power that Hua Cheng's whole being gets entangled with Xie Lian's presence. Xie Lian is in each inhale and exhale, at the tips of his fingers and of each lock of hair, he balances himself on Hua Cheng's eyelashes and snuggles in the curves of the shells of his ears. Xie Lian is everywhere, woven with his soul, and Hua Cheng has never felt more at peace. He is healed, seen, accepted. He nearly whines, a noise that reminds more of Xiao Hua.
Xie Lian is home; it's always been the truth. The familiar was forced away from home for a very long time, but now finally he's back there. To stay, once and for all. I'll stay always, if that is what you wish too.
He gives a soft, pleading noise when his master suddenly traces Hua Cheng's magic with his power; it's a noise of pleasure, albeit surprised. One of his hands dips in his hair, cards through it, his palm cradling the back of his head to coax him to tilt it up. His lips land on Xie Lian's forehead, on the bridge of his nose, on his cheekbones, worshipping. Together with his physical affection, his power intertwines with Xie Lian's, like fingers slotting together.
Hua Cheng kisses his mouth with a soft sigh of relief. His magic is still boiling harshly in his body and accessing it would mean allowing it to overflow and explode. So the familiar instead pours it inside of Xie Lian this way, keeping the kiss barely there, since he fears the maddening feeling of need under his skin. As much as his power escaping his control, his lust may as well too. ]
Gege... that should be enough to teleport us home... I apologize, we'll have to finish the job another time... [ They're so interconnected that, with Hua Cheng this shaken, Xie Lian wouldn't be able to do much. He's not unlike a sick child now, risking to infect the other and also needing care. Were malevolent ghosts to sneak upon them now, it would be disastrous. ]
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( his voice manages a steadiness he does not entirely feel, senses muddled and sharpened all at once with hua cheng. given the state he is in, xie lian wastes no time in using the magic that his familiar feeds to him, and even though he is very much out of practice with magic in this way, it comes back to him naturally as breathing: the sort of almost invisible spellcasting indicative of someone so powerful once it truly did seem there was a god among men, even other magic users. as they disappear from the caverns, xie lian feels an abrupt violent presence at his back, saturated in ire, but it's there then gone.
then they are back at xie lian's home, makeshift shop in progress, somehow a place locals have called "puqi shrine" even though it is hardly a place of worship so much as an odds and ends place. filled with xie lian's scraps collected, knowing well now the sin of waste, but even as a child...so many years ago, he had disliked old things being put aside and forgotten, kept them in piles near him, a bizarre mingling of things. as they arrive, he uses both hands still blood stained to support hua cheng, mindful of not holding him too harshly or tightly because his own physical senses are so overlapped, making it hard to tell with precision what force he exerts. so he errs on the side of extreme gentleness, relying on some of the magic hua cheng lent him but more so his own qi. it spools out from him like so much moon white silk, and indeed almost as if a physical manifestation, ruoye unwinds from his arm, adherent to its master's concerned heart. )
You'll be alright.
( soft words bundled and promised as breaths into a drowning body, xie lian guides hua cheng to the small bed, coaxing him to lie down. for a body that exuded little to no heat of its own originally once human shaped, it is alarming how much like a furnace hua cheng seems, and xie lian almost in childlike franticness, drops another kiss to his temple and asks him to wait a moment. then he's up on his feet again to grab a small bowl he fills with cold water, as well as a small rag. it only takes less than a minute for him to return, and it helps that it's just one room, this shop or home or shrine or however people wish to see it. he kneels at the bedside and takes a deep, trembling breath. it's alright, he reminds himself. in the end, a familiar depends on its master, and xie lian despite being overwhelmed by how hua cheng himself feels, is in fact "fine" himself. another breath. he blinks, then dips the cloth and wrings it out so it's only slightly damp, before gently laying it across hua cheng's forehead.
he doesn't know if this is foolish. the heat that burns from hua cheng is very much from his core, not his actual body, yet perhaps it can afford him some external relief even so. but xie lian reaches out to him again with his qi as well, a soothing stroke along skin and soul that makes his own cheeks burn but he doesn't know what else to do, how else to make sure he is reaching him. there exists a tenuous threshold here; he can feel hua cheng holding himself in, in a sense, that he is anxious of something even if xie lian cannot entirely identify it as worry about control or loss of it. he cards his fingers through hua cheng's hair, cocooning him in his energy, the sheer amount of which is abnormal and part of what always made xie lian so strong as an enchanter: that even before he came into his actual magic, he was a honed vessel of a particular qi bound to instinct as much as discipline.
as he takes the cloth off to soak and wring it again, turning it over, he pauses, the water dripping onto his own lap as he leans over to kiss hua cheng again, this time on the mouth, seeking:
what can i do? i will do anything you need. can you tell me? )
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The moment he's back into the room, the familiar smiles at him as if he hadn't seen him in years and longed for him. He would recognize how he's bordering panic and franticness even if they weren't tied together and Hua Cheng gives an apologetic expression, looking much like a cat asking for something with how soft he is.
Hua Cheng sighs, relieved, when the cloth is dragged against his feverish skin. He never knew cold could bring comfort; he's been on the other side for so long that he doesn't remember anymore how it was like to be hot-blooded. Right now that heat within him is sticky and disgusting, like syrup slowed down his movements and his mind. He hates it, mostly because he hates seeing Xie Lian like this and knowing he's the reason for it.
He would apologize again, but he knows his master doesn't like that, so he only keeps looking at him, the fingers of his closest hand stretching out until he can wrap them gently around the wide sleeve of his forearm. He brings his free hand to his mouth, kisses his palm, quiet reassurance.
His whole body tenses pleasantly when the other reaches out again with his qi, caressing his soul like one would a pet, and with Hua Cheng's struggle with self-control, he makes a pretty but quite shameful noise. He doesn't seem to realize it, eyes lingering on Xie Lian like he's the only thing in this whole, wide world that he can see —and the only thing he wants to eat up.
A blink and that darkness is gone, a surprised but pleased smile stretching his lips when he gets kissed. It's the first time his master takes the initiative to kiss him on the lips, isn't it? Hua Cheng smiles with every fiber of his being, adoring as he looks back at him, forgetting for a moment that he's burning up.
I do not know, gege..., he replies earnestly, looking away, dejected. He did lose control before, but they weren't tied together like this back then, and he could allow himself to do it. Today he doesn't know what he'd do... Touching and being close to Xie Lian might fix it with time, but that would feed another side of him, the all-devouring monster. He wants him so much, the bond whispers in his ear to get closer every waking moment: without enough energy to control that, what would he do?
Maybe if we take a bath..., he suggests without looking at Xie Lian out of shame. Being close to you like that first night... maybe it could balance things out., but the truth is that he doesn't know himself either. At least he's suggesting he's to be naked but Xie Lian can keep his inner vest, like during that first night.
But gege has to promise: you'll reject me and bind me if I start doing... improper things., his brows give a decisive sharpness to his gaze as he looks at the other. You know... what's inside of me, he sighs, sheepish. Their souls are so close that's impossible for Xie Lian not to have noticed Hua Cheng's lust. ]
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( familiar verse | gathering herbs )
Nothing has technically changed ever since that day Hua Cheng lost control on his powers, the shock and misery of having to see a statue of misfortune breaking him despite his years. Yet, his bond with Xie Lian doesn't feel the same anymore. It's like walking on the same path you know, but suddenly the surroundings are blurry, and an unsettling quietness lingers all around. It's not like Xie Lian has been keeping him out, their connection lingers, and yet Hua Cheng cannot reach the same depth, like the other is keeping him at a safe distance.
His familiar cannot blame him, that day is a mixture of fractured memories and instinctive decisions, not necessarily right. He decided to worship Xie Lian and show him how pleasure felt like, given by someone who cares earnestly about him, someone who wants him free of constraints, unlike Jun Wu. But it was a one-sided decision. Xie Lian had never asked.
Maybe Xie Lian thought him out of place, or blasphemous. Maybe Xie Lian loves Jun Wu better than his familiar and would rather follow his teachings, with how long the sovereign has been around his master —he hasn't realized, after all, how many times he'd met Hua Cheng before, in a variety of different faces, and the younger doesn't mean to tell him. Hua Cheng knows that he should be thankful: Xie Lian in his graciousness has decided not to scold or punish him, simply keep him a little further. But he finds himself selfish and he hasn't been able to control the sadness that's infected his mood recently.
He has retreated into his mind, concerned about his every action and how it'll be read, growing if not timid, conscious, self-despisal flared up in return for what he perceives like rejection. He's quiet as his gaze goes through the grass and wild flowers, looking for medicinal ones, not even caring about the drizzle that's growing more insistent by the minute. He hasn't even resorted to magic and his long hair has grown shiny and damp, his red robes darker in a few spots.
His boots jingle at each careful step, until he stops and crouches by a white flower, shielding it with his large hand. It reminds him of a certain someone who's not far, gathering herbs in a basket. He smiles and caresses its petals with a finger, infusing it with magic to ensure its well-being, before he sighs and reaches to pluck closeby dandelions, rubbing wet soil from the roots. His fingers are plenty dirty and smeared with mud by the time he reaches Xie Lian. ]
Gege, I found dandelions for tea. Both flowers and roots. I'm sure you'll be able to trade it easily. [ He smiles sweetly as he places them in the basket, not giving any reaction even as their bond tingles with relief. His gaze sweeps over the thin chain around the other's graceful neck, carrying the ring that he had the older find the day after their shared affection. His master has never taken it off since, despite not knowing its meaning.
Hua Cheng looks down and away, not even catching Xie Lian's eyes despite yearning for it, scared what he'd find there. He asks, obedient and well-behaved: ] What else do you need?
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an unfortunate herb skips the mortar and pestle stage inside of xie lian's closed hand, causes a scattering of dark smudged green on his robes that yet resiliently retain so much white even in the rain. kneeling as he is, head bowed as he sorts the other not-crushed herbs into their own folds of cloth in his basket, the energy of xie lian is a manufactured quiet. his qi unconsciously likens its shape to something as shackled and muted as his magic. the warmest thing on his blood and bone body is the feeling of the ring around his neck, the meaning of which he has not asked of yet, feeling he does not have the right.
the first day after was difficult, a whiplash of back and forth as xie lian's body deeply over sensitized, would spike in heat and stimulation at the tiniest of things: the brush of his clothing against his chest, the nearness of hua cheng's fingertips to his wrist, and so on. mortified in a way he thought he had grown well beyond, xie lian had gone to bed early that day, curled against the wall to hide himself and tried as best he could to learn how to pick-and-choose what came through their link.
he's a quick learner, always has been.
to their detriment, though he doesn't understand fully yet.
what xie lian thinks is protecting hua cheng as well as effectively denying himself (as he should, in his own head), is not that at all.
so for days the distance and careful quiet xie lian has cultivated in the red string between them has been like a constantly blooming bruise across all of hua cheng, pressed on or not depending on how bad, and perhaps worst of all for the familiar, insight into his master is exactly that blurred path: familiar colors, lights, shadows, but nothing concrete. for xie lian, he doesn't realize it either, so focused on trying to not want too much or ask for too much or indeed even let himself recognize his own very new and very distracting physical ache. on the basest level, it is like an animal who has been shown warmth after not in a long time, starving for it now that it has been reminded what it is.
but the statues are and were not ever completely out of hand. once, xie lian did think so; was incensed. these days, he accepts it and carries tendrils of guilt for not being able to do more.
perhaps with hua cheng, he errs on the side of over caution because he fears falling short for him. one should not idolize someone; it will only lead to disappointment. the gentle smile that rests in his expression fractures. ruoye unfurls and slips off his wrist to whisper around his neck before returning to his arm. it causes the bandages around xie lian's neck to part, but he doesn't notice for now, not quite daring to meet hua cheng's gaze either even as his body automatically starts to turn from where he's kneeling in the earth, drawn to him. )
This is good, San Lang. Thank you.
( why does it feel like a shortcoming even to not have something more to ask of him? xie lian's heart feels uncomfortable. heavy. tight. a bond with a familiar is not like one's own magic even if it supports that. especially with xie lian, who has none to speak of, now that his body has accepted from hua cheng already, it pleads for it but xie lian stifles it. in his mind, he has already taken too much. if the day ever comes he can repay him, properly complete their bond as master and familiar, magic like a heart revived, he will. for now, xie lian is just focused on not taking.
as the rain falls a bit harder, he finally does peer up at him, blinking through the wet, gaze catching on hua cheng's hair. automatic, he reaches out to touch some of the shining strands. )
I don't want San Lang to get sick. We should go back. The field will be here after the rain too.
( then he smiles at him, but it feels, most of all, like an apology, underneath even this, all of xie lian's soul and body on the edge of physical pain the same as his familiar for what he denies them, thinking it is the right thing to do. )
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By denying them closeness, Xie Lian is actively choking him, hands around his neck without even realizing. It is torture, but Hua Cheng believes he deserves all pain he gets, especially when it's Xie Lian giving it to him, even on accident. What's more, Hua Cheng has increased his punishment, blocking off his magic, the very same that he poured into his master, the source of the problem. He hasn't used even a drop of it ever since that day, doing everything by hand the way Xie Lian does and with even more effort, for he doesn't own an equally powerful qi.
E'Ming on his neck has been shut, not allowed to show its suffering, together with its owner's, and has turned into a leather collar, much harsher against the skin. The rub has chafed it, reddened and broken it. But it's little price, he knows. He deserves worse, for what he has taken. The way Xie Lian avoids to look at him proves it, together with his distance. It's still seared in his mind, under his skin, the way he curled up so small on the bed the day after, giving him his back like he didn't want to see him anymore. Hua Cheng had wanted to disappear then. He'd laid on the floor that night, undeserving of sharing that bed, of being close again. And he's avoided sleeping ever since.
He tenses up when his hair is touched, relief flooding for a moment their bond, so thick and intense it makes his vision swim for a moment. Please echoes breathlessly in their connection, his soul begging desperately, before he straightens up and looks away from those perfect fingers. He remembers the way they felt tugging onto that very same hair, while he-- ]
San Lang will do as he's told. [ He replies, softly, gaze daring to look up at that smile. It only gives him a pang of pain though, with how sad and apologetic it looks. Hua Cheng has been a shadow of himself, the smug and brazen youth replaced by a meek and obedient one, fearful like that cat rescued on a day of celebrations.
He wouldn't normally get sick just from the rain, but he's as weak as a human with his magic denied both by himself and their bond. Maybe even weaker, since this body isn't technically alive, no beating heart or warm blood. ]
I could still serve gege even sick, it is no issue. [ He reassures him, with a slight tinge of urgency. In this situation, what would happen were he to stop entirely being useful...?
Being chased away would be worse than dying again. ]
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San Lang, I know it isn't conventional, and I apologize. I seem to be in the habit of not doing things how I should, or how is expected.
( his smile is hidden because of his lowered head, rueful. despite trying to protect hua cheng from himself by keeping their bond quiet and controlled, and so closing off certain intuitions, xie lian has a soft hearted advantage of simply caring enough about him regardless. hua cheng reminds him of an injured animal of late, and even more so right now, so xie lian is excruciatingly gentle with his touch, comfort channeled into it with the utmost care, his qi running soothing lines along him as a hand along a cat's back or fingers carded through a person's hair, a palm drawing wide open hearted circles across a broad back, and so on. )
But even if it is typical for a familiar to "serve", I prefer to try us thinking of each other as something more equal. San Lang's well being is important to me, and I neither want you to fall sick nor feel you need to "serve". Or if that is unavoidable, San Lang would need to accept me serving him as well.
( with that, xie lian finally looks up, and this time his smile is a more familiar warmth. ignoring the rain, and anyway at this point they are both drenched, xie lian keeps one hand curved softly over one of hua cheng's, while the other lifts carefully to pause in front of his face as if asking permission, and if it is given, xie lian will fit his palm and long pale tapered fingers against the side of hua cheng's face, gentle gentle gentle. fond. yet firm underneath it all: the heart and the nerve in many storied alignment.
then xie lian's qi wraps around all of hua cheng like a physical embrace of sunlight in the midst of the dark storm: there, there. it is alright. i promise. please help me understand. )
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Hua Cheng breathes out shakily when he feels that familiar qi caress him gently: he hadn't been touched by it ever since it eagerly welcomed his power, that day. His magic ripples, but Hua Cheng's sheer will pushes it back down, almost bowing to the other's qi. Xie Lian could find it unbearable, to be touched by his magic again, could find it dirty.
There's a devil in the back of his mind, who dares scoffing at Xie Lian's words, who dares whispering about what he says doesn't match what he does. Hua Cheng is confused. He thought he was meant to serve, after he had been rejected so obviously. If that is taken from him too, what can he do? He tilts his head, long damp locks following the motion and slipping off his shoulder, raindrops running down his cheeks and chin, like the tears he's unable to shed.
It is that pained confusion that meets the radiant light of the other's smile and his magic surges through him in a sudden wave at the sight of it. It floods him with relief. He trembles violently when qi embraces him, unable to control the way his magic leans into it, daring to touch it back, like two palms, two foreheads resting together. ]
Gege... [ He whispers oh so quiet while tilting his head into his hand, basking into his touch like a cat. He closes his eyes and acts merely on instinct when he presses a peck to his palm, only to realize belatedly and stiffen, timid gaze searching for the other's disgust in hazel eyes. He doesn't hold it for more than a second, looking down soon after. ]
We were equals that day, in each other's arms. There was no serving. I didn't give and dianxia didn't take; we exchanged. [ It takes little imagination to understand what he's talking about, voice jagged like a shard. ] But dianxia was understandably displeased with me. I am unworthy and forgot myself by trying and being dianxia's equal. I can only serve. [ His master has always been too good to him that Hua Cheng forgot his place. What a horrible mistake, he's ruined everything.
Hua Cheng suddenly drops on his knees, like the masked person from a long time ago. Back straight like a soldier's and hands on his thighs, he is in the same pose as the ones who take their own life for honor out of the battlefields. ] I can't accept dianxia serving me, that would be blasphemous. There's only one person you should serve and that's yourself. [ Not even Junwu, his words imply --he's the least worthy, but he cannot mention it, for maybe part of the other's unhappiness with him stems also from the way he dared shooing thoughts of the beloved and revered sorcerer out of Xie Lian's mind. ]
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( there is a sigh in xie lian's voice carried off by the rain, but maybe it does not matter as he lowers himself to the ground, hands reaching out gently to frame hua cheng's face, guiding him to meet his gaze if he is not wholly opposed. though not all of his carefully held walls come down, it is as if xie lian has made a door or a window in himself, and the flow of his qi seeks to invite in whatever magic hua cheng wishes to grace him with, a soothing warmth of a light in the dark that spells safety and something almost secret. meanwhile, xie lian's hands never leave hua cheng's face, just holding him, as if to say: i do not reject you, i am not disappointed, you are the furthest from unworthy.
in truth, it breaks his heart, a feeling he nearly thought he had become sort of dissociated from over centuries.
for xie lian's empathy has been cut open a hundred times, but it has grown back without anything to show for it on his physical body or his magic; as if nothing bad has ever happened to him. the only "proof" is of his shame and exile: shackles banding neck and ankle that xie lian fails to recognize for what they truly are, tied to jun wu as he is. but with hua cheng connection is not a thing of shame. the only matter of ambivalence is that xie lian neither knows how to handle that he lost control — even if hua cheng calls it an exchange, he cannot quite see it that way; he is older, he can sense it, than his familiar, and he has no excuse after the multitudes of situations and years; he should not have succumbed. still. he does not want to disregard hua cheng's genuine perspective either, which brings them here: soaked through to the bone.
except even without magic, xie lian has something left between his qi and ruoye. he lets his qi nudge against hua cheng's magic, as if xie lian is now the cat rubbing between hua cheng's ankles or seeking to nap on his chest and purr in the cadence of a heartbeat. )
San Lang. I was never displeased with you. It was with myself that I was discouraged. But that too was my oversight. I should have just talked with you.
( the smile is self-deprecating, but xie lian gets to his feet again, this time reaching to grasp one of hua cheng's hands with his own. )
Please, we can go back together. I need — no, I want to dry you off before you get sick.
( despite his looks, xie lian's grip is firm, their fingers interlaced.
what xie lian cannot do about the weather, he tries to make up in other ways. if hua cheng allows him, he will find himself flooded with xie lian's qi even more than before, like being warmed from the inside, out. it might even make him feel physically lighter during their walk home (if hua cheng agrees to it, that is.) and if, at some point, xie lian can tell hua cheng won't pull away, his grip will soften just so he can turn his hand enough that his thumb can rub soothingly along hua cheng's knuckles, attempting to reassure him in any conceivable way that he can. they are both drenched and earth muddied, and need baths, but all xie lian is focused on right now is getting them home at all. their foraged things lay forgotten in the grass, but they can be found again anew on a sunnier day. )
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He shivers but it's not the cold, nor the chill that comes with being wet. Rather it's the relief, bordering pleasure of the other's qi rubbing against him, of those hands that hold his face. Hua Cheng relaxes into them, eyelashes fluttering, his cold fingers going to rub at Xie Lian's knuckles.
He gasps softly, his face giving away his surprise when Xie Lian tells him he wasn't displeased with him. The relief that floods him is near solid, like a hug that envelops Xie Lian in return and squeezes him, an echo of thanks reverberating through their bond. ] Did... did gege dislike our closeness so much, that you felt guilty for it? Does something good need a culprit? [ He cannot help wondering, voice soft, giving their entwined fingers a squeeze.
He looks obedient as he gets up, red clothes stained green and muddy, long hair looking like black silk threads, the sheen of water on them. The confession of the other's wish, his want, gives him a shiver. He yearns to fulfill the other's wants and needs, and so he nods, allowing it even if he doesn't like the notion of being looked after, when it should be him giving it all to his master --no, his equal; his other half.
That much qi filling him nearly takes his breath away. It's like being touched all over his skin, Hua Cheng's breathing growing quicker. ] Gege doesn't need to waste so much power on me... [ He glances at him almost pleadingly, for he realizes how much of it is being poured into him. In return, Hua Cheng finally reaches into his magic, thick and warm, like sunlight being cast on Xie Lian, the kiss of warm summer wind in his hair, the whisper of spring in his bones. Hua Cheng merely locked his magic away because he was scared his owner and that qi that had welcomed it didn't want it anymore, but it's still there, aplenty. He won't use it for himself, but he certainly will for Xie Lian. ]
I will have the herbs gathered. [ He promises, for his magic can go and take care of it, as soon as they step past the threshold of home. ] I will prepare a hot bath, gege needs to warm up. [ He offers softly, like he doesn't. His bond betrays him though, the craving for closeness translating into the picture of them sharing the tub, even if on opposite sides, poured right into the other's mind. ]
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It's not a waste at all. ( he does not bother telling hua cheng he needn't. he knows it would be a disservice to him to deny him of that act, and now that hua cheng is permitting both xie lian and himself awareness of his magic again, less fearful of having done wrong or not enough, xie lian can at least tell he doesn't lack for it. in fact, he thinks he has not met a single individual with as much magic as hua cheng seems to contain. it makes xie lian shiver with warmth, a heady feeling.
when he wonders how long it took him to cultivate, unexpectedly that thought's path strikes him in his heart like a physical loneliness augmented by unknown years, so visceral it seems to be his own but it's displaced in time and setting. it makes him stumble, but they are already inside his home so it's easy for him to reach out a hand to steady himself against the table.
for half a second there are even ripple sentiments coming from that darkness and it almost reminds xie lian of a time he would rather not think of — his fingers scraped raw and bleeding as he wondered if anyone could come to him in that dark, quiet place; so he doesn't.
instead, he lets his trembling fingers curl in his long, soaked sleeve, smiling at hua cheng as he says, )
San Lang needs to warm up as well.
( the image of them bathing together returns, this time given from xie lian's side, but it is expanded upon: both of them on the same side of the tub, small as it is anyway, xie lian behind hua cheng as he gently brushes his hair free of any tangles, a probable prelude to washing it.
around xie lian's neck, the bandages he usually uses to conceal the shackle there have come messy and unspooled, hanging in sad clinging fashion to his collarbones and stuck further down to the damp of his robe as all wet fabric is wont to do. ruoye has detached itself, soothed by the reconnection of master and familiar but still a little anxious, hovering next to xie lian with what can only be read as worry. )
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