( there is a sigh in xie lian's voice carried off by the rain, but maybe it does not matter as he lowers himself to the ground, hands reaching out gently to frame hua cheng's face, guiding him to meet his gaze if he is not wholly opposed. though not all of his carefully held walls come down, it is as if xie lian has made a door or a window in himself, and the flow of his qi seeks to invite in whatever magic hua cheng wishes to grace him with, a soothing warmth of a light in the dark that spells safety and something almost secret. meanwhile, xie lian's hands never leave hua cheng's face, just holding him, as if to say: i do not reject you, i am not disappointed, you are the furthest from unworthy.
in truth, it breaks his heart, a feeling he nearly thought he had become sort of dissociated from over centuries.
for xie lian's empathy has been cut open a hundred times, but it has grown back without anything to show for it on his physical body or his magic; as if nothing bad has ever happened to him. the only "proof" is of his shame and exile: shackles banding neck and ankle that xie lian fails to recognize for what they truly are, tied to jun wu as he is. but with hua cheng connection is not a thing of shame. the only matter of ambivalence is that xie lian neither knows how to handle that he lost control — even if hua cheng calls it an exchange, he cannot quite see it that way; he is older, he can sense it, than his familiar, and he has no excuse after the multitudes of situations and years; he should not have succumbed. still. he does not want to disregard hua cheng's genuine perspective either, which brings them here: soaked through to the bone.
except even without magic, xie lian has something left between his qi and ruoye. he lets his qi nudge against hua cheng's magic, as if xie lian is now the cat rubbing between hua cheng's ankles or seeking to nap on his chest and purr in the cadence of a heartbeat. )
San Lang. I was never displeased with you. It was with myself that I was discouraged. But that too was my oversight. I should have just talked with you.
( the smile is self-deprecating, but xie lian gets to his feet again, this time reaching to grasp one of hua cheng's hands with his own. )
Please, we can go back together. I need — no, I want to dry you off before you get sick.
( despite his looks, xie lian's grip is firm, their fingers interlaced.
what xie lian cannot do about the weather, he tries to make up in other ways. if hua cheng allows him, he will find himself flooded with xie lian's qi even more than before, like being warmed from the inside, out. it might even make him feel physically lighter during their walk home (if hua cheng agrees to it, that is.) and if, at some point, xie lian can tell hua cheng won't pull away, his grip will soften just so he can turn his hand enough that his thumb can rub soothingly along hua cheng's knuckles, attempting to reassure him in any conceivable way that he can. they are both drenched and earth muddied, and need baths, but all xie lian is focused on right now is getting them home at all. their foraged things lay forgotten in the grass, but they can be found again anew on a sunnier day. )
no subject
( there is a sigh in xie lian's voice carried off by the rain, but maybe it does not matter as he lowers himself to the ground, hands reaching out gently to frame hua cheng's face, guiding him to meet his gaze if he is not wholly opposed. though not all of his carefully held walls come down, it is as if xie lian has made a door or a window in himself, and the flow of his qi seeks to invite in whatever magic hua cheng wishes to grace him with, a soothing warmth of a light in the dark that spells safety and something almost secret. meanwhile, xie lian's hands never leave hua cheng's face, just holding him, as if to say: i do not reject you, i am not disappointed, you are the furthest from unworthy.
in truth, it breaks his heart, a feeling he nearly thought he had become sort of dissociated from over centuries.
for xie lian's empathy has been cut open a hundred times, but it has grown back without anything to show for it on his physical body or his magic; as if nothing bad has ever happened to him. the only "proof" is of his shame and exile: shackles banding neck and ankle that xie lian fails to recognize for what they truly are, tied to jun wu as he is. but with hua cheng connection is not a thing of shame. the only matter of ambivalence is that xie lian neither knows how to handle that he lost control — even if hua cheng calls it an exchange, he cannot quite see it that way; he is older, he can sense it, than his familiar, and he has no excuse after the multitudes of situations and years; he should not have succumbed. still. he does not want to disregard hua cheng's genuine perspective either, which brings them here: soaked through to the bone.
except even without magic, xie lian has something left between his qi and ruoye. he lets his qi nudge against hua cheng's magic, as if xie lian is now the cat rubbing between hua cheng's ankles or seeking to nap on his chest and purr in the cadence of a heartbeat. )
San Lang. I was never displeased with you. It was with myself that I was discouraged. But that too was my oversight. I should have just talked with you.
( the smile is self-deprecating, but xie lian gets to his feet again, this time reaching to grasp one of hua cheng's hands with his own. )
Please, we can go back together. I need — no, I want to dry you off before you get sick.
( despite his looks, xie lian's grip is firm, their fingers interlaced.
what xie lian cannot do about the weather, he tries to make up in other ways. if hua cheng allows him, he will find himself flooded with xie lian's qi even more than before, like being warmed from the inside, out. it might even make him feel physically lighter during their walk home (if hua cheng agrees to it, that is.) and if, at some point, xie lian can tell hua cheng won't pull away, his grip will soften just so he can turn his hand enough that his thumb can rub soothingly along hua cheng's knuckles, attempting to reassure him in any conceivable way that he can. they are both drenched and earth muddied, and need baths, but all xie lian is focused on right now is getting them home at all. their foraged things lay forgotten in the grass, but they can be found again anew on a sunnier day. )